I hate to be alone.

I can’t remember any real big gapes in time where I’ve stayed single long. Last year around this time I had been with a with a partner for almost a year. And I’d jumped right into that relationship coming out of one that had been 4 years long. Well it abruptly ended and my oldest son did as he had always done, asked me….no let’s say begged me to stay single. 

I did up until about 2 months ago. So I was single 8 months. Now I am not sure if that is the longest I’ve really been single, but it sure felt like it. But this time was different.  I came out as bisexual.  I mean I stopped hiding it I guess. I am very sure this hasn’t what my son was wanting. But I think he did wasn’t me to find my string independent self again.  And I did.

Although the time was spent not being monogamous and making sure that every one who started to have feelings for me knew I was not going to be. Until I started to have feelings for them to. Then it got me thinking about being polyamourous. 

I hate lying or feeling like I can’t be honestly me infront of anyone.  So I felt like if I was going to do it, it had to be with people I could be myself 100% with. So I started my relationships with 2 people I felt like I could do that with.  Well one decided it wasn’t for her.  Which is fine,  I am currently courting someone I really like. But it seems our schedule has challenges.

My man.  Really the man I truly love.  He and I are struggling with the jealousy that is a natural feeling we can not avoid as long as we truly care about one another. On nights he doesn’t stay over,  On nights I haven’t made other plans,  On the nights I am in a silent apartment alone. …I get frantic tutti hook up,  try to make contact with prospective partners.  And as the hours dwindle and I settle into just staying up late watching the L word on Netflix I  jerking off and go to sleep. 

Now there are so many other things I should do with this alone time, but no matter how pressing. ..I am to busy planning my next free day so I won’t be alone again.  I feel like it’s wasted time. I hate silence,  I hate solitude,  I hate having to get myself off….I hate not having someone to please.

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