I watched a movie, that opened my eyes to how my disorder has probably affected my boys. It made me sad and feel like they would do better without me.
I have chosen the one thing I have had passion for, the one thing I felt like I was created for, the one thing that has been my identity since I can remember, over putting them first.
Who is to blame besides me? Can I blame all the men who took advantage of an innocent little girl? Can I blame all the men who took advantage of a young women who freely gave herself to whom ever would have her? Or do I blame the disorder for making it hard to live an emotionally stable life? Can I take blame for choosing the wrong thing every time I had an opportunity to make a change?
What does matter, it’s too late. I’ve messed my kids lives up. Seems I leave distraction in my wake. Now looking around I worry I am doing the same to my new partners. Am I going to ruin them and their children?
Yes it’s all happiness now, you might even say things are changing for the better. But for me there is always a peak that I come crashing down from. I don’t want to bring everyone down when I go. Can I just end it while it’s good. Call it good while I am ahead?