So my mom left my dad a couple weeks ago for the second time in the 36 years they have been married and for those who want to know 41 years of being a couple. I was plagued with thoughts about how my Dad would react. As there is a large number of suicide in my family and out of anger my father has threatened to do the same if she left.
Just to clarify my dad and I haven’t been close since I was a pre teen. I hate to admit it but it’s probably due to our being so similar. We are both stubborn, perverted, sarcastic, and easily angered. So our interactions over the years have been pretty emotionally charged conflicts that usually end in us not talking for awhile.
After two weeks I had to call to confront the ever tormenting thoughts of my father lying on the floor of a pool of his own blood. His rotting flesh being devoured by his dog. Yes my mind went there. And I was consumed by it, but didn’t want to find him myself and didn’t want to talk to him out of anger from our last encounter and fear of said torment.
Well I finally reached a breaking point where I just had to call. He laughed at me. Which pissed me off. Then asked me to come over. I had therapy that day and there was no way I could emotionally handle that and seeing him in the same day. So I made plans to come the next day. Which was Yesterday.
I positioned myself in a medaforical stance to make a quick get away at any sign of conflict. (I am not being pessimistic, this is a defense mechanism I had to learn in therapy in order to “deal” with any conflict I am not emotionally ready to deal with.) So of course it wasn’t long before I was trying to leave. I believe it was 3 times I was out, saying double deuce, I am out. It finally took him breaking down and begging me to stay.
At this point he was ready to hear a little advice. Fuck Dad I’ve been through a lot of therapy, it would really help you. And so the conversation began. I attempted to provide him with some DBT. I hope he uses it. I also hope he takes some things I said seriously and works on himself. And as I told him, they are habits and it takes a while to change the way you think and react, but you have to catch yourself and apologize and move one each time.
I hope he does work on himself. I want him to have healthy relationships with everyone he wants to have them with. I explained he will end up very lonely if he doesn’t. I feel as though I got through to him, but you never know.
My dad wanted to play show in tell….Which scared me more than anything else. Not that I don’t want to know family history, or want the family heirlooms. I am just worrying about that fact that suicidal people prepare just before by doing the very thing he was doing. I called him out on it. Told him I’ve been trying to get you to tell me all this for years and now you want to start new? Just scares me. Then he said sarcastically, well your not getting any of my stuff till I am dead and gone. Then he caught himself and said….oh that is the same thing. The he laughed and said I had nothing to worry about. I still worry. But how else are we to start new and build our relationship? I am hopeful.