Falling apart

I can’t decide if I am really suicidal again…my mind keeps flashing. I don’t let it stay there very long. It SCARES the shit out of me. I’ve been there before, its a scary dark place and if I stay I won’t leave.
I feel guilty when I want to cry out to God for help. I’ve turned my back on him too. I am bitter no one in church noticed I was falling apart 2 years ago. How do you interact with someone once maybe twice a week for 13 years and not notice that person is seriously depressed.
My life is once more fucked up and I am learning that my borderline has alienated me from just about everyone I care about. Yea I may have acquaintances who are willing to be there for me now, but I will probably just fuck up whatever friendship I have with them sooner or later.
Apparently fantasies are not to have running in your head while with the love of your life. Apparently being openly bisexual is not ok in front of my kids, my aunt or my dad. Not dealing with all my finances is going to ruin my life. Standing up for my mother against my sister in law had alienated me from my brother, his wife and his daughter. My oldest son does not want me in his life hardly at all.
All this I can not fix. All this is drowning me in emotions.

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