I’ve been wordless. ..

I’ve been through some shit the last couple months. Seems this is always the time off year life takes a big dump on me. But here I am on the other side of most of it, and I am coming out of it alright.  I think it’s mostly about breaking it down into small task till it taken care of. Finding a new job….Finding a new roommate. …keeping myself from suicidal thoughts. …Saying goodbye to my therapist. …car trouble…….flash backs. …family issues. .. the list goes on and to be honest,  none of it  is taken care of completely.
I do know one thing, if it wasn’t for my man I probably wouldn’t be here. He held me up when I couldn’t stand. He gave me hope when I swore there wasn’t any. He held me when I was at my worst instead of telling me to get over it or stop crying he was there for me. He was strong for me. I will never forget that.
I have found things within myself that I want fix for him, for my boys and for everyone in my life. I want to be a better person.  I have bad habits of interrupting,  forgetting important things and just being self centered. I wish I wasn’t like this and I really have to focus on it to change it. I am so impulsive I usually don’t realise my mistakes until it’s to late. I feel like an ass. I saw a post on Facebook today about yelling and cussing at your kids and I thought about how I was raised with a father who would do that,  but honestly not as bad as I have been in the past with my boys. And granted I’ve fixed this problem for the most part but I still fall short of control some times. And that makes me feel shitty. I wish I could go back and change things. And I pray I haven’t permanently damaged my boys mentally. I can on hope I keep working on being a better mom and better person.


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