Just write. ….

I had two classes this week.  I have a test Monday and another Wednesday.  Both self study. I hate those kind. I fail to study and I suck at retaining information from work books.

I am at work now, I hate it here. I pretty much sit on a fucking couch for 8 straight house watching tv. I’d rather interact with the clients I work with, but I am new here and don’t really have any say in what is done here. The chica I am work with sits in the dining room on her phone and can barely muster up even the slightest greetings let alone direction for the days task. Either she decided she hates me (which is how I take it when someone is not talking to me) or she is extremely shy. Either way it’s torture for me. All fucking day. Just shoot me already.

My day started out really shitty.  My man found the wash cloth from last nights escaped discarded onto the floor by me, ended up on his new book. I felt like shit. He already has a hard time being nice in the morning.  He understood I didn’t do it on purpose,  but you could see he was super pissed it even happened.  Not to mention he didn’t even want the rag last night so I brought it in there for no reason. 
So here I am tip toeing around wanting to be cuddlie before I leave for work and just hoping he will initiate some kind of affection and he sees I want something and asks,  the usual, “what?” My heart breaks, I never know what to say, my fear of the wrong answer/ wrong response could trigger another lecture of how wrong I am. And of course him already being agitated just added fuel to the fire. Now I was apparently expecting him to be a mind reader. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY WANTING HIM TO INITIATE AFFECTION WITHOUT ME ASKING FOR IT IS WRONG? I am human and I want to feel like I am wanted. I want him to want me.  Why do I have to always take the chance of him pushing me away, jumping my shit for not controlling my impulses to group him. I always seem do it at the wrong time.  Mostly when we are around people.  I am totally inappropriate.  Lol I can’t seem to control this and usually get a good time tongue lashing for it. But I am a very absent minded/impulsive person, so I don’t even think about it till its to late. I feel like all I ever do is piss him off. I am so scared he is going to get tired of the repeated offensives and leave me. Figure I am un-trainable and give up.

I am so concerned with how he feels and what he thinks. I think about him all day and wonder if he is thinking about me.  Why hasn’t he messaged me? Will I seem overly attached if I am the one perusing him and messaging him all the time? Why can’t I concentrate on other things I need to do, instead of obsessing about what he is doing and thinking about all the time? There has to be something wrong with me.

He once said I can’t to not shit tha pisses him off to fet his attention. Fuck seems no matter what I do I piss him off. I asked what his love language be as and that made him made too. Because know I was trying to pigeon hole him into a certain kind of person.  Same with horoscope shit. I was only looking for some kind of clue.  Since I can’t seem to figure out what is right and when I do….I am too impulsive to control my behavior.  I fucking hate myself.  I just want his approval and his LOVE. 

He wonders why I love him and often remarks that it is only his dick. Granted he definitely knows how to please me. And I would swear on a stack of bibles he is the best lover I’ve ever had. But that isn’t why I love him at all. See is amazing but never enough to get you very far. So let me work through my why he is worth all my troubles of correcting all my bad behavior.

I love how we laugh together.  I love our conversations. Although I feel inadequate for his intellect.  I love that he knows how to “clue me in” to what he is trying to tell me about. I love spending time with him, doing anything! As long as we are interacting I am happy. Playing board games,  video games,  watching movies. …doesn’t matter.  I love it when he looks at me and does his bunny nose twitch.  In that moment I feel so loved. When I see the light hit his eyes just so…I can see the color of his irises. ..I swear the color is unique and changes. A blue, grey and sometimes I question other colors being in there…I am afraid to say the wrong color. He always seems to know what I am thinking, how I feel about whatever may have just happened.  He can read me too well. And he never leaves it untold. Calling me out before I even know how I feel about something. Keeps me real.
I love him. For who his is. I don’t think if he was any other way, we would work. Maybe he is what I’ve always needed.  I just hope I am worth the trouble.

I know it seems silly but being with him makes me feel like soul mates are real. And believe me, I am way to old for that silly way of thinking.  But it’s as though we were put here for each other.  To help left each other and guide each other through this shit life. Having him gives me a desire to endure one more day. Seeing him makes it all worth the rollercoaster ride.


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