You know what I am saying. ..

When I say nothing at all.

So maybe I am not willing to verbally say, hey I am totally down to take it in the ass tonight.  Lol  I guess us girls just like guys to try it and if we pull away…ya know it isn’t what we want right  now. Doesn’t mean next time you try we won’t want it.

Funny how I openly talk about any very private sex topics with anyone but get all shy and awkward when my partner and I are face to face discussing what I want or what we can do to change things up. Not that we need to, he is never boring in the bedroom. It’s just nice to try new things with each other So it doesn’t get stale.

I don’t really feel as thought I am exceedingly imaginative in this department anyway.  But I’ve read and seen some interesting things on tumbler and WordPress.  I try entertaining the idea of playing them out and some have been things I have thought in the past as things I’d never even try. But I have found that with my current partner I am mentally ( not verbally) entertaining them as things I would be willing to try.

Not to mention pushing my way through Anne Rice’s sleeping beauty books has pushed my limits on some of my limited ways of thinking in the dominatrix department.  I mean when I first started those books it was seriously difficult for me, as I have a past, off being sexually abused that has left me with some PTSD. If you’ve read these book, which I totally recommended,  you know that what is sleeping beauty’s awakening isn’t just a kiss. And for me and my head it was more like a rape. Now don’t get me wrong,  I’ve fantasized in the past about being woken up to my lover inside of me, but this girl didn’t know her lover. Nor was she old enough to be carried off and repeatedly taken by whomever or whenever.

  It took me awhile to accept this and I believe Anne Rice knew we all needed to be groomed as did sleeping beauty into this new world where you learned to love your place and the thing’s that are done to you. As the character develops and relates it to being a princess and how it will help her when she goes back to her kingdom to rule.

Anyway not that I wouldn’t want my lover to take me whenever or however but the sheer inability to even have the smallest control of your life would be devastating. So as I was saying, this book helped me work through some off that PTSD and let go of some of the boundaries I had mentally created in order to protect my psyche. So the ideas of bondage evolved in my mind to a place that I feel might be ok for some of that.

For example being tied up for me in the past has evolved from being fun and frisky (the couple times I did it to an ex in college) to being down right the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. (The rape) so here I am 14 years later and I now feel like I am with a partner I trust enough to let do something like tie me up. In the past I struggled with the idea of not being able to stop something once  it started and I was unable to free myself of it. I worried what could happen to me, what would the partner given this power do with it? I mean some scary shit has happened to people that were tied up. And if I suddenly wasn’t ok with it could I bring myself to say stop? I know how embarrassed or shameful I would feel, if my partner had to tell me something I was doing was wrong or not ok. So that might keep me from possibly causing those feelings in him.  At what point would it be to far for me? There is always the possibility of my mind going to my rape and me freaking the fuck Out or being unable to guide my mind back to enjoying the moment.  So up until now,  I wasn’t willing to try. But now I am not only thinking about it. I am pushing for it. I want to push the limits with my lover.  I want to go where I haven’t been and I want to take him with me.
But to bring this full circle,  I can only say so much to his face. I mean what if he laughed at me? If you’ve read sleeping beauty. ..there is some crazy shit that goes down in these books. And almost all off it gets me excited now. I haven’t even finish the books but I know they have helped me in so many ways. I am glad I didn’t stop reading them. I may have if I hadn’t read so many of her others and loved them so much.  I mean this women’s sex life must have been amazing.  I will never forget the writing about the vampire Lestat and the Queen of the Damned. They both had there teeth in each other.  Drinking from each other.  Turns me on just thinking about it. And I had to have read those books in high school. (19 years ago)  for her to write like this, such memorable moments in these fictional characters, she has to have had an amazing live life. This probably why she is my favorite author. I guess I really enjoy the ride she takes me on in her stories. 

I guess I just can’t wait to see how my love life evolves.  I mean, I now have the best lover I’ve ever had. And that is saying a lot.  NO slut shaming!  And not only is he attentive to my needs, he is willing and I believe desires to try different things. And that only makes for an exciting love life that I can look forward to for the rest of my life.

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