So from about noon to 8:30 I turned my phone off and the tv. I cleaned house, tried to listen to my cds but they need to be buffed due to being scratched. I even vacuumed behind the washer and dryer. I the only people I talked to was the lady at the office about tge dry hose being not completely connected and my sons friend who was hangout in the office.
I chose a book off my shelf to start reading and spent maybe 3 or 4 hours reading it.
I journaled more pages than normal yesterday. I’ve been pretty lost the last few days. Quit mental. I am kind of worried about myself in this state. As I feel fragile. I hate not being protected by my inner strength I call super bitch occasionally. My valuable self I see as a woman acting like young girl. She hasn’t a name. Then there is this limbo…floating, on the fence, drifting and waiting for something to pull me swiftly into one of these characters.
I don’t like either side and but I hate the limbo even more. The unknown scares the hell out of me. I usually grasp for someone to just be around. Someone to gauge the mood for the time period I am sitting in.
Yesterday I unplugged. There was no one to gauge how to feel. There was no one to decide the mood for the day. I stayed in limbo all day. I smoked quite a bit of pot while I cleaned and drank coffee as well. (I didn’t want to leave the house, so I skipped my daily rock star.) Towards the evening I took some of my anxiety medicine as I was fighting a loosing battle to leave my phone off. Then I decided to pour a drink and had myself a pineapple juice & rum drink.
And then I turned on my phone. 😦
He was mad I hadn’t been replying all day. I was trying to take a day to myself. A day where I wouldn’t be obsessing over him all day. Where I wouldn’t message him because he wasn’t messaging me. Where I wasn’t bugging him about our future.
His message went from playful to pissed quickly. I have no idea the time in between them because they all came through with the time I turned my phone on. But he assumed I’d chosen not to continue seeing him. I made myself promise prior to turning the phone on I would respond. But I did. I told him my phone was off all day. He didn’t believe me. I am quit addicted to my phone so it’s understandable. It was difficult not to turn it on, but I kept myself busy.
My mind cycles a lot through how I feel and what I expecte to happen or even what I want. It’s a fucking shitty merry go round and I want to jump off from the highest point.