I’ve been feeling ashamed of who I am a lot lately. I talk to much. Cuss to much. I over share and I am pretty self centered. I feel weak inside as though I have no since of direction most of the time. Choices maybe by emotions or a full of a coin. I pray and beg inner self to keep my mouth shut and to listen. To not over share. Yet everyday I fail. It’s becoming unbearable. I am not so good at focusing on anything. Ok there are a few things that I can focus on. .mostly artistic stuff or sex of course. I wish I could fix this problem. I am becoming hopeless. If the rollercoaster is always going to be the same. …it’s coming to the peak and then it’s going down, I can feel it. That feeling I get right before the drop. Scares me so much. I typically start grasping for distractions…usually random sex partners to distract me. But I find to sexual appetite without the one my heart has chosen. The game has changed for me. I am no longer in control. So I feel the drop coming and all I can think about is… just don’t let a single tear, drop. If I let it out, it will be as I’ve opened a flood gate and I don’t even have a desire to come back from the spiral anymore. I am numb until I don’t have control anymore.