Shame and embarrassment.

I’ve been feeling ashamed of who I am a lot lately.  I talk to much. Cuss to much. I over share and I am pretty self centered. I feel weak inside as though I have no since of direction most of the time. Choices maybe by emotions or a full of a coin.  I pray and beg inner self to keep my mouth shut and to listen.  To not over share. Yet everyday I fail.  It’s becoming unbearable.  I am not so good at focusing on anything. Ok there are a few things that I can focus on. .mostly artistic stuff or sex of course.  I wish I could fix this problem.  I am becoming hopeless.  If the rollercoaster is always going to be the same. …it’s coming to the peak and then it’s going down, I can feel it. That feeling I get right before the drop. Scares me so much. I typically start grasping for distractions…usually random sex partners to distract me. But I find to sexual appetite without the one my heart has chosen.  The game has changed for me. I am no longer in control. So I feel the drop coming and all I can think about is… just don’t let a single tear, drop. If I let it out, it will be as I’ve opened a flood gate and I don’t even have a desire to come back from the spiral anymore. I am numb until I don’t have control anymore. 

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