Failure

I’ve failed at just about everything in life.
I am terrible at relationships, with family, friends and lovers. No one wants to be around me. I’ve failed at finishing college.  I’ve failed at being a mother.  I suck as a person and I am lonely because I push people away by smothering them or being just plain mean.  I am self absorbed and inconsiderate.
Worst part is I know and want to change but can’t seem to make the changes that will help.
I care about people.  I have a big heart. Sometimes I care to much. But why is it then am I rude and mean when given an opportunity. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t even realise I am being that why while it’s happening. Until someone who I’ve hurt points it out.
I just want to give up. Stay lonely so I don’t hurt anyone and I won’t get hurt by overly attaching myself to people.  Besides if I can’t be with him,  I honestly don’t want to be with anyone.  And truthful that is a big deal for me. Before him it was easily to wipe the slate clean and move on to the next lover.  No one will fill the void. No one can compare to him. I don’t even want to try.

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