I have been so many versions of myself. ..I have always staked claim in “this is the real me!” I take on new characteristics such as a girly girl who does her makeup and hair dress up and always looks pretty or a thug gangster girl or a single independent woman or the strong conservative Christian. Lol I have so many more. And a lot simultaneously lived together.
Is this the true me? Why am I continuously searching? As though I have to taste it all before I will know for sure. Open mindedly diving into every opportunity. I want to live! I mean really LIVE. I want to be happy, not settle into something I can’t be forever. I tried that once. Allowed my spirit to settle, compromise and resolve that that was, what it would be. That started a spiral so bad I tail spun for a year before I woke up and ran for the hills. I bearly made it out alive. Matter of fact, I shouldn’t have. I attempted suicide with real intent more times in that year than ever in my life. “Funny how I say real intent, but never was put in a hospital. I apologise to those who’ve been hospitalized. I do not mean any disrespect. I am only speaking from my emotional stand point although I wont go into detail about my attempts. believe me they were real. ” Anyway I look around my room and see ruins of old behavior and styles that I would feel so out of place wearing now. Believe me I’ve tried things on and thought that is definitely not you. Yet at one time, that could have been a favorite go to feel good outfit. And I can vividly remember being happy as that person.
Why is it I’ve changed so much.
Is it pain that changed me? Is it wanting a fresh start? Would boredom force a new life style? Am I seeking out excitement or love? Is it approved of all, that I need?
What I think I want is stability, but I never find comfort in it once I have it.
And about that we thing…am I one, or many? Or am I a narrator or conductor of a community?