Truth…

I asked you to change a light bulb…you didn’t.
I asked you to just help me make dinner. ..you made the whole thing.
I was overwhelmed about my busy schedule and mentioned needing my phone memory emptied. ….you promised to help…..you didn’t.
I buy you a pack of cigarettes almost every day I see you…..you usually never ask.
I waited for you to kiss me……then you said I didn’t kiss you enough.
Seems as though you take my garbage out every time you come over.
I honestly do love your face…..even that one.
You’ve gained wait since we met…… I take credit from it and think your at a perfect weight now.
I want to go for walks more…..I feel guilty making you do anything with me, so I stay home.
Even though you don’t live here…..I complain to myself about you not helping more.
I imagine us old together a lot….even though I plan on dying young.
I feel as though your my only saving grace. ….as though you’ve been taught just how to deal with me so I will get better mentally.
I am jealous of your sharing smoke with someone else instead of me….I feel as though….. I share a lot with you.
I need to be validated,  reassurance and constantly lifted up….I think you get mad when I ask for these things….I don’t think you understand my disorder sometimes.
It bothers me that you told me along time ago you’d share certain things and you’ve chosen not to.
I still don’t understand why you won’t commit. …yet we have an anniversary date.
When you said there was a writer and director meeting as a joke…..it validated my trauma show theory……it hurts/scared me and was extremely funny at the same time.
I wish you shared you feelings more…..the softer side.
When ever you talk about your mom…….every part of my brain seems to turn on, in high alert in order to remember as much as I can’t,  with fear that I will fail you at remember the most important things you’ve barren from your heart.
I so badly want to message your sister. …not just the pictures but in order to hear about you. ..anything she’d share would be devoured by my curiosity.
I love falling asleep in your arms…..I am so very afraid of how you’ll wake in the morning.
I love how you kiss my neck. ….so much so, I forget to kiss yours.
I am devoted to you, despite it destroying me emotionally…..I know you don’t want to hear it, but not having commitment is a daily argument for me internally. It is draining… why then?

Because you help me with understanding things about me and the world around me.
Because we laugh together like I’ve never laugh with any other.
Because of how you make me feel inside and out.
How you look at me, when you really look into me.
How you hold and touch me….embrace me.
How we make love…..and how we fuck. The chemistry is so real.
I am proud to have a “partner” that is a leader of an awesome band.
(I know the “-”  mad you mad.)
I know it crosses boundaries for others…..but I like that you care enough to read my blog, journal’s and other “private” writings. Sometimes I feel that is the only way I can say things.
You think you don’t do anything for me….but you have kept me grounded for this last almost a year..more than you could even imagine.
Please don’t just be a season in my life. I am so very scared you’ll leave like everyone else…..every one always leaves.

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