I am excited for the day…I have it all built up in my head, all the expectations of the day…you said you’d come tomorrow, but something in me says you’ll be here tonight. It’s been so long I’ve lost track of how long you’ve taken this break from me. Maybe a couple weeks. I have no concept of time.
I am going to talk to my therapist in a couple hours. I am going to talk about you ….as always. But I am going to talk about schedules and boundaries. How to not obsesse about you when your gone and how to be ok with not knowing when or how long it will be before you come back. About how to enjoy the free time instead of wondering what I did to push you away or how to not over stimulate you so much. Or worse if your gone for good this time. God when I y t stuck on the later I spiral so easily. Trying to figure out what I will do when you finally tell me you’ve decided we just CAN’T do this anymore. It hurts just thinking about it. I am scared that the one will be the final blow. That, that little girl I talk about will let it consume me and I won’t come back from the shallow depths of the dissolution.
Yeah I have so much going for me. In time I will be all I’ve dreamed about for the last few years and I will be stable, but what good will it be, if I’ve lost you.