Who am I, I guess I’d be the narrator.
Somewhere between the emotional tantrum throwing super bitch and the codepentant little girl. ..we won’t forget the monotone voice that can be so hypnotizing in the background….emo girl, she can come in just when I feel balanced, like I have it all figured out. I think I feel her more than hear her. She can clutch a hold of any of us and bring desire to end it all so strong I usually have no desire to fight her. Whispering darker thoughts than super bitch, dark in a since of depression more than anger. Darker in a since of gloom and doom. A realistic view of death and how it should be. Making plans and talking of how it’s all a never ending pattern of up’s and downs. What’s the point she’d say.
Of course someone in here has to be the mom. The mother of two boys. I don’t know who she is, but she screams loudly when the plans start walking themselves out to reality. What will come of their lives without you. Will it destroy them or relieve them.
Anyway I watch them interact and try to be in control, all while I try and be a conductor I am not. I mostly watch and try and understand. ..what the hell am I doing in life. I think the splitting helped me to understand the choices I make better. But at the same time, it makes me feel more mentally ill.
I refused to hand the rains over today. …I did nothing but put my kid on the bus. I slept on my couch and laid by the pool. I missed my dbt class today. I didn’t even call to tell them I wouldn’t be there. I refused to let the little girl obsesse over our partner and I refused to let emo girl talk about anything sad. I didn’t let super bitch find something to be angry about. I simply stayed in the Sun. Soaked in it. I read some blogs. Stayed away from Facebook or game of war. Listened to the sounds around me. Felt the sweat pool on my body, then felt the coolness of the water cool me down as I waded in the water. I refused to let my day be taken by tasks that need doing. …I needed a mental break and now I have had it. I think that is mediation, wise mind, being mindful. Being a narrator, instead of a leaf in the wind. I hope that makes since. I chose to stay in limbo, between moods today. I didn’t want to be emotionally drained.