The narrator’s awareness

So for the last year or so I’ve become more aware of my slitting.  I’ve recognized the different personalities within and identified them. Observed them, try my best to choreograph life with them and disciplined them. I feel like the mother and I am a lazy one at that. If it’s not easy I choose not to fight. But typically that becomes a problem because then things spiral.

In the last year I’ve had flash backs, spirals and suicidal thoughts. …no attempts thankfully.  My mind has undeniably split into 4 maybe 5. I can’t always define who is leading the pack. I guess when it’s not completely clear to me or people around me then I am just “ME” whoever that is anymore, I don’t know.

I looked at my overall life the other night and thought a young me, would be very proud.  Proud of how cool my life is. I mean I am a tattoo apprientest, a paid piercer.  I have the coolest man, I mean seriously he doesn’t put up with super britches bullshit (he named her Nikita) and isn’t afraid to put her in check. He is  a drummer of a badass band and is a no fucking nonsense kind of person.  He has intrusted me with a lot of his skin for tattoo practice. He is amazing in the bedroom and has made it clear he needs more foreplay. Not really super bitch’s cup of tea.

I don’t want to explore the realm of her mind right now. I kinda hate her. I am attempting to choreography who I allow to have the moment.  I am trying to better understand why I am, this way. Why I bother continuing. …haha emo jumping in here I guess. Fuck that I don’t want to cry.  Lol when ever she blurted out here depression,  I swear there is this fog, physically feeling that washes over me. It is all consuming and if I don’t push her back it can become very bad, very quickly. Like fucking crying and planning seriously take action kind of planning. End all, be done with it all. If there was a villain of all these personalities in here, she would be the one. She is determined to jump off the rollercoaster.  Looking back she has been around since elementary school. The evil voice that has a negative gloomy outlook on everything.  I can’t draw when she is lurking in the back ground. And she has been hanging around a lot lately.

Anyway being blatantly honest,  has to just be “Me”. I think at some point I decided I am not good at lying and I hate liars anyway.  Living out loud and without regret.  No apologies,  we only get one life.  Why use it to acquire someone else approvel. What if there perspective on life is all wrong and I waste it all on living a life I was never happy in.

If I am 100% me and don’t get your approval then at least I am happy.  I wasted so much time trying to get approval I was never going to get no matter how hard I tried to be perfect in some delusional life I could never uphold.  It saddens me. I don’t want to do that anymore. …ever again. Accept me or walk away. No one stays either way. I have to live with all these personalities in here anyway,  no one else is forced to keep them happy.

I think understanding all of them is helpful.  I am no quit sure how. Recognizing who I need to put in check is kinda important. Like who is the one that is so fucking lazy. …I haven’t figured it out, but I absolutely know who gets pissed over it and why. I just am trying to choreograph some kind of control in order to take preventative action. Like making the little girl shut the fuck up when she starts obsessing.  I found that keeping her preoccupied with activities or texting friends other than my partner can be helpful. Once she made it known to him she wanted to marry him, she shut up about it.  It’s like she is a broken record just playing the same shit over and over again until she blurtes it out. Then the song will stop for awhile or subsidies completely.
I know that when it comes to him….I couldn’t connect with anyone on the same level he and I do. I haven’t ever been so open with anyone.  Really I couldn’t not be if I wanted to, he demands it and reads through any restraint I attempt to employ. Honestly I have surrendered to it. I practice very little restaurant when talking to him. Something about him or the way we began….openly talking to him is more than it is with others. Even though I am severely open with others, it’s never the same as it is with him. Completely different level I guess.

I have let them all make there own decisions and plans.
I’d say the little girl plans to grow old with him.  Fantasies about sitting in a rocker  under the stars talking about all our crazy adventures.  She see’s what he’ll look like and how we’ll all be as old folks. She cries when she thinks he won’t be there.
Emo girl see’s an entirely different future. …one where she has been long gone. Parted out and burned and thrown away. She bluntly asked friends in Jr high, if I died would you come to my funeral.  Sure that no one would even notice. None of her perspective had changed,  she is more ready today for it all to be over than she was then. She yearns to be with my aunt and all my deceased ancestors.  As a kid she obsessed about my grandfather and how she just wanted to meet him. In whatever after life there is….she talked to him, begged for some sign that there was an after life. Sometimes I wonder if what I saw and experienced was real each and every experience validated it enough when I experienced them, but now I question wether my brain created it all to survive.

Super bitch, well I don’t even want to think about her plans….she only cares about herself and her experiences. She has expected that everyone leaves.  She wants all the stories. Bad choices make great stories she’d say. She loves the idea of my partner and her touring the world. ..seeing and experiencing everything. Him playing shows and her tattooing.  Nothing but open road and adventure. Problem is she is selfish and obsess over getting laid. I believe somewhere around 2 grade she learned she had what men/boys wanted. And then she learned somewhere in high school faking it was not to her benefit. Taming her can only be done by my partner.  Lol the only partner who can dominate her. And I think he is now trying to train her….hopefully he wins this one. I can see her shifting so it’s promising. But she keeps a steady eye on the calendar and knows how long its been.  Arguing from so many angles about why and what is going on in our sex lives.

So as for me, I am without emotion. I watch and observe. I try to keep collateral damage to a minimum and to put in charge whatever personality that seems the most stable for which ever moment I am in. Really just experiencing my life as a movie.  Analysing it as though I am an observer or some poor second to lead or extra walking around in it. I feel sorry for anyone who is even forced to be apart.  I mean come on, there is some fucking crazy shit that people have to deal with.  Haha that’s contradicting to the no emotions. I guess I have empathy.

So somewhere in the background there is a mother….not a great one as she isn’t really in the front lines a lot. She isn’t very strong.  I remember when I was younger she had plans to have so many kids and be a teacher or own a daycare the was open 24 hours. She had great plans and she loved being witha nd around kids. I think my partner brought her back to life a little.  Talking about babies. …then seeing them at work all the time. She loves babies.  Maybe that part has been wounded to many times before and just retreated.  I don’t know but she sure does love doing fun things with my youngest. She loved doing all that and more with the oldest at one time as well. Yet he pulled away and now he is a painful memory to her. A reminder that it is no longer him and her against the world.  She is and always will be alone. She does and always has just wanted a family.  A normal life. Really resenting super bitch’s need to be so far from normal.

Alright alright. …so I am tired and now emotionally drained.  Left in limbo….last night was amazing and full of content that was so emotionally connecting with my partner.  Yet super bitch was deprived and put in check. But listened, she contemplated how to compromise.  How to fulfil the little girls needs to be sensual, so that she could get to the parts she needs. I think she pushed the little girl down because of the obsession. But forgot how to let her just be when it’s appropriate.  Super bitch has no idea how to be romantic.  Lol she is a complete “dude” in her own right. All about the chase and kill. Instant gratification and ultimate control over my partner is her obsession. She takes pride in pleasing him.
I often wonder if he knows who is in front of him. Does he know how he answers makes a difference for each different personality. …how could he now know that. Lol he is so fucking intelligent.  The slightest change in emotion, he picks up on. I have on many occasion had one personality flash forward,  put them in check and then he’ll call them back out.
For the love of god let me push them out when it’s appropriate.  If the vibe is good when call out the bullshit thinkers. Lol but because I can’t lie….I tell him and then they usually take over. I try not to share sometimes but it usually always comes out sooner or later.

Fuck I am numb. I just want to connect with my partner on all levels. I just want to not be 5 but be 1 and make since.  To be normal. Not live in an emotional reality but in the really real world. Experience life and not the emotion. or just the normal amount of emotion.

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