Chosen seclusion

With the end of “us” the game changed completely for me. This time I can’t spew hate although it’s warranted. I don’t  hate you. I pity you. I believe  your self-confidence is zero, so whenever  someone shows  interest you can’t  help indulge in it.  I think this has been a way of life for you. An uncontrollable impulse. You  need the affirmations like you need air. You have an inability to move forward through your feelings of worthlessness. You prove your “dark passenger” right by doing  nothing. Living  off of any and all who love you. I still love your face and miss our friendship. But I can’t  see you, the trust  I gave you has been destroyed. What you did made no since. We started our relationship  with freedom and you asked for boundaries, then broke them yourself. You put me in danger because you couldn’t  control  your impulses.

Here I am a little over a month later and I am frozen.  I can’t  be intimate with anyone. Not even a kiss. Afraid of losing myself  once more to anyone.  Knowing people  can’t  be trusted with my heart  or health. I see the future  as a chosen  road of seclusion. No new friends, no new lovers. I am already  pushing  so many away. My mind is always on how real and open I was with you and how naive I was to who you were. I have to learn to guard my heart and the only way is to stay in solitude. You once said the way I am makes me a target. I won’t  allow  myself  to be a target any longer.

I wish you well. But I also wish to never have to see you again. As I know it would only break my heart  more than it is already. 


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