I am not ok.

Something within me has changed.

Outwards you see amazing things happening.  I have a new car. I have a dream career. I am spending quality time with my kid.

Something inside me is different. My feet in cement. I am broken. I am stuck in a rut. I can’t make any decisions. I want to stay in this Iimbo. I am afraid of highs and lows.  Highs lie to me. Lows will kill me. 

My son needs me.  His dad is going to ruin him if he were to spend anymore time than he already  does now. I have to stay here with my feet on the ground for him.

I have to learn to be alone.  Why do I hate being alone so much. Why must I fill the time with social interactions?  Why am I desperate to validate my existence with an audience? Why do People have to hear record of what I did with my time spent alone?  Am I shouting out to the world please validate my existence? What do I matter to this world full of war and hate? I am no one, except a mother to a boy who grows angrier with time. 

The silence and solitude is so horrifying. Someone please hear my tears fall.

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2 thoughts on “I am not ok.

  1. I always wondered the same things that you have voiced in this post, and I think the words you used nailed it “needing the world to validate my existence.” Thank you for expressing that so clearly.

    Liked by 1 person

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