Things have change….hell I’ve changed a lot.

I’ve  been through  so much. And I’ve  been in and out of many new seasons of my life. I’ve  learned  many lessons and I am sure there will plenty more.

Red flags have been ignored over and over again. And always  I say I won’t ignore them next time. I won’t settle. I won’t  allow  myself to entertain or waist anyone’s time.

I get lonely and I am codependent. I get desperate for interaction. I hate being  alone and in those desperate moments I reach out to the wrong people.

I don’t  have any desires for liquor much anymore.  I don’t  want drugs…except my weed and very occasional narc to help with my back pain. I don’t  like feeling  out of Control. Matter of fact I have anxiety attacks when I do feel too high.

I want something normal.  I want to learn to just be friends.  I want to learn  not to read into everyone’s intent. I want to not expect just because  I am newly single that everyone is trying  to sleep with me. For fuck sacks I see myself in the mirror and think who would want that shit. I’d  pass myself up for anyone else. Now I could go one about what’s not to love, but my intent isn’t for compliment fishing.

How long can I keep this up? There is power in the “NO” right?  Self discipline being  tought. Self preservation for sure.  But I worry my “skills” will fall by the way side and I will suck as a partner. I am sure your laughing.  Hell it’s like riding  a bike right? Maybe I am an addict
…lol a sex addict. Lmao better yet a procreation enthusiast. I am rolling  here. Fuck I am funny. Well at least I make a room full of me’s laugh.

Anyway maybe I just grew up a bit in the last year. I just don’t  have interest in wasting  more time on people  that will leave. I want to invest in people  that stay. My sons. My boys. At least the one that  still loves me. With hopes the other will again.  I am ready for change. I want to do things differently this time. Just have to find my No. And make my eyes and body speak the same language.

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4 thoughts on “Things have change….hell I’ve changed a lot.

  1. What do you mean? My words were funny. Did you not laugh? What’s on my mind? I’ve spilled the word here for you. Bared my soul. I want to stay single and learn to be celibate so no one hurts me and I don’t hurt others.

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  2. Yes I did laugh. You never went into what is really wrong. Being single and celibate will definently prevent certain heart ache but then you won’t be living and that one person that coulda been your all, stayed through everything, you will not see standing in front of you and you will loose the opportunity you’ve always longed for and wanted in love!

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  3. Oh but I will. If you read back to the beginning of my blog you’ll see I live more when I am single. Intermingling with lots of people and enjoying everyday to it’s fullest. I just want to exclude sex from my life for awhile.

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