I’ve been through so much. And I’ve been in and out of many new seasons of my life. I’ve learned many lessons and I am sure there will plenty more.
Red flags have been ignored over and over again. And always I say I won’t ignore them next time. I won’t settle. I won’t allow myself to entertain or waist anyone’s time.
I get lonely and I am codependent. I get desperate for interaction. I hate being alone and in those desperate moments I reach out to the wrong people.
I don’t have any desires for liquor much anymore. I don’t want drugs…except my weed and very occasional narc to help with my back pain. I don’t like feeling out of Control. Matter of fact I have anxiety attacks when I do feel too high.
I want something normal. I want to learn to just be friends. I want to learn not to read into everyone’s intent. I want to not expect just because I am newly single that everyone is trying to sleep with me. For fuck sacks I see myself in the mirror and think who would want that shit. I’d pass myself up for anyone else. Now I could go one about what’s not to love, but my intent isn’t for compliment fishing.
How long can I keep this up? There is power in the “NO” right? Self discipline being tought. Self preservation for sure. But I worry my “skills” will fall by the way side and I will suck as a partner. I am sure your laughing. Hell it’s like riding a bike right? Maybe I am an addict
…lol a sex addict. Lmao better yet a procreation enthusiast. I am rolling here. Fuck I am funny. Well at least I make a room full of me’s laugh.
Anyway maybe I just grew up a bit in the last year. I just don’t have interest in wasting more time on people that will leave. I want to invest in people that stay. My sons. My boys. At least the one that still loves me. With hopes the other will again. I am ready for change. I want to do things differently this time. Just have to find my No. And make my eyes and body speak the same language.