What if I just don’t want to?

So all my friends seem to be coming back into my life. I find my schedule busy again. I had a potential say I must be scheduling titris master.  I am sure I could schedule more, but I don’t want to.

I have a few potentials. But all of them are stuck in a friend zone. I have one chick of a dating site that I would totally want to pursue but I have no desire  to invest in anything real.  At one point we were going to make plans and we exchanged numbers. We texted each other to verify we had if right take briefly and haven’t said hello since. I have thought about it but have no energy to pour into  courting her. I know she is expecting me to. I am sure she views me as the one who would be the leader in such things. And I’d love to be. Really that is what I want. But I am not ready.  I want to focus on doing what I should be doing. Learning to be self disciplined in things I need and should be doing.

I was good for 2 1/2 Months in being  celibate. I got weak and gave in. Frankly I am pissed at myself. Why do I keep putting myself in to position for failure? Now this person is an amazing person whom I have a mass amount of sexual  chemistry with. And I have been very forward about just wanting to be friends. But I give mixed signals and they keep pushing boundaries to see what they will get away with. I am so bad at saying  No. Halfway through it all I shut down though.  Which makes me feel like an ass.  So where does that leave me. I don’t trust myself, so how can I be around people who may want that kind of attention from me? I can’t.
I attempt to just not talk to or respond to messages,  which also makes me an ass. I have shitty follow through.  I remember  when my ex and I kept  trying  to end it because  I wanted her to move on. I remember  I had to pull away  until  she moved on before we could be friends.   It’s  so frustrating to know I am verbalizing what I want and my body is shouting the completely opisit. So I guess I need to go back to seclusion. Until I know how to get my mind and body in sync.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “What if I just don’t want to?

  1. My mental status hasn’t been awesome lately. I truly just want to stay committed to getting healthy mentally first. And I am terrible at not putting myself in these predicaments.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s