Not sure what state of mind I am in.

So since Aug I’ve date two. Fucked one and a half of them. Since I don’t really count the first one because I freaked out. I was close to asking the second out but she went from no flags to straight crazy bitch with in a day. I shut that shit down really f at but she continued to message me for a little over a week. I wasn’t even replying and this chick so on both ends of the crazy spectrum during all these messages.  Finally the messages have stopped.

I met a chick on my birthday and we ate and walked and talked for hours.  She is fresh out of a weird thing and so am i. We agreed neither of us is ready for anything. We’d just be text buddies why we get emotionally stable, we agreed before our meeting.  I very much enjoyed this new friendship get together. Having no pressure for needing or wanting anything from each other.  Not even that we would see or talk regularly.  No pressure.

And so I after very minimal messaging with another chick for 3 months I made plans to take her out for brunch. We met this sat. It was pleasant. She talked mostly.  I felt as though it was going fine. We were gonna take a drive to smoke but I ended up driving to my house out of not really knowing where to go and not wanting to be driving around smoking weed. We sat and smoked at my place for awhile.  I am not sure if I was stoned, not interested, or just brain dead because I sate clear across the room the hole time and then when I took her back to her car and she went to hug me she went to kiss me and the kiss landed on the side of my hair covered cheek. I returned it with the same to her hair cover cheek. Can I just stop to appreciate the shear awkwardness of this exchange?  Omg

To exasperate this I sent the following message :
I really enjoyed your company today.  I look forward to spending more time with you and getting to know you better,  you seem like a pretty amazing chick.
I totally would have kissed you if I’d not been stoned. Kinda wasn’t thinking, missed opportunity I guess. Lol hope your day goes as you’re desiring it to beautiful.

Omg why did i send that? Yeap I was still stoned.

Now I look back and am like, am I really interested?  Maybe I just want to stay single.  I don’t even care about sex much. Although actually fucking the shit out of that chick the way I wanted in every way was amazing. But her tits showed me that there is most definitely such thing as too big. Anyway back to my point.

I think I am into spending more time with my new found friend I spent my birthday with. Only thing she is trans. Pre op to female.  I suppose being friends now and seeing if there is a connection along the way might he beneficial.  I want female so if that is the plan I am open to it. But I couldn’t fuck her now the way I wanted  to. I am not sure I’d want to. But I am not to sure about that. Who knows. Either way my no pressure friendship kind took my guard down a bit. Crazy chick made them stronger. I will never ignore red flags again.

Yeah is still think about him. But mostly it’s moment of anger then sadness. And then it settles on missing my profile on his ps3 for my borderlands game. I wonder when I buy it all if the profile could be transferred if he hasn’t deleted it yet. Which I am sure he has. He didn’t give a shit about me at all. Why would he have kept it? Ugh

Anyway I am stuck in limbo seems forever that I will choose this.


10 thoughts on “Not sure what state of mind I am in.

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