I have a party to go to tomorrow.

I almost in a split second of impulsively called crazy girl.  I spent a couple hours on dating apps and talked to this one chick for awhile. 
I hate this.  At first I get excited,  then after a few topics something inside me panics and I decided, I am not interested.  And for me to even click like on a chick I have to be impressed.  I don’t want to give out the wrong signals.  And I don’t want another crazy chick. 
I hate the how long have you been out conversation. I guess I am just embarrassed about the fact that I tried to conform so hard it didn’t dawn on me that I was surpassing my whole being.  I completely invalidated myself as a whole.  It’s  quite different living your life blatantly yourself. I don’t want to lose myself again. I always lose a little in a relationship.  I have to learn to hold on to myself and enjoy a partner.  I am getting lonely.
And dammit I have a party to go to and no one to take with me.  Mmmmmm maybe I’ll meet someone there. 


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