As I watched the ball drop I thought about every new years and how I celebrated it.
Flashes of me sitting in a chair at my parent’s house, 9 months pregnant waiting for my son’s arrivel. This was his due date. I was alone.
At least 7 years prior, I remember my childhood best friend and I standing in the door yelling to the neighborhood “Happy New Year!”
Fast forward 4 years from my son’s birthday I was aiding her in her first ever physical fight. As she proclaimed “JUST DON’T HIT ME IN THE FACE” then got mad when I really hit her in the thigh. Because “It really hurt!” We ended up rolling around in barkchips in her sister’s front yard while even their neighbors cheered us on. All ending in laughs and a good time. I was single this year.
9 years after my son’s birthday, I ditched him last min for a blind date. My father had said, after giving me a ring for Christmas, “Since no one else will get you one!” After I opened it. So I was having abandonment issues. So the blind date was with a man I’d later marry because I found out I was pregnant. Anyway, this is the year I learned about kissing when the clock strikes midnight.
So many memories I have of former relationship and people I’ve held onto. Codependently while being mentally and physically abusive at times. And memories that I throw away because they hurt too much to think about. So much waisted time. With the wrong people when I should have been spending it with my son. And now my son’s.
I relies that I always look back at an ex and romanticize about all the good. So really I am ignoring the red flags even after the relationship is long over.
I just want to be with my boys and get to know them. I am over wasting time on nonsense. Dates seem like a waist of time anyway. I just don’t like people anymore. Their all fake or full of red flags. I’d rather be home playing boardlands than hangout with anyone.
Everyone is broken and flawed with baggage.
New years resolution. ….enjoy my real people. The ones that are there before, during and after.