I can’t decide if I want to stay single forever or bother with the getting to know people thing.

Yesterday I spent time with a friend and our kids. Talked about things we want to do someday. To me it seems like better planning to do it with a friend than a partner. I mean, I can value the memories forever instead of tucking them away to forget after my heart has been broken.
When I am single, I stay grounded more and focus on my kids and myself. I have no one to please or impress. I can commit to plans without checking in first.
Although for most of my life I’ve been hyper focused on sex and partners it seems that now I only think about it for a week prior to my period then it fades away and I have no interest anymore.

I can’t help but to think about how my last relationship in some weird way fixed my mislead focus on life. I mean don’t get me wrong. …it fucking broke me. But it also enlightened me. To the fact that people are temporary, love is temporary. And no one can be trusted and most importantly Karma is an absolute. So in life I will pay my pittance for my wrongdoing and step lightly moving forward as to be sure to do onto others as I would wish to have done onto me.

Anyway; I was also thinking
this morning on how I don’t really work hard at anything. I give up pretty easy. I was the one in school copying everyone. I never really tried hard at anything. Even if I liked the subject. I am not sure if it has to do with not wanting to fail or not trusting that I could actually succeed. And looking back I can’t really figure out when I quit trying. My hope is that I actually start applying myself and show myself that with hard work anyone can get great at what they want to sharpen their skills at.

I have to finish a drawing. …one that makes me feel like a real artist. That is my next goal. Wish me luck. Smiles



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