The nothingness seems to be inevitable.

I get it now…we’re all on our own journey.  Only in each other’s lives for a moment or so. I get it now, we shouldn’t judge or try to change anyone else’s journey. Let them all learn on their own. Hold no one hostage in your codependency. 

Suddenly with all this understanding I feel empty.  The weight has been lifted and I can choose my direction. I know I want to be a great artist but can’t seem to find the motivation to make it happen,  at least not over night.

My dbt class talked about finding meaning.  I was always searching to create some kind of family unit with stability. I taught myself that stability doesn’t come from a relationship. Mater fact that’s the best way to ruin it. I am so lonely, yet I don’t trust anyone to let them close. I have few real friends and few of them consider me a real friend themself, just an acquaintance I am sure.

I feel so empty. I am left with the questions, what will I fill this emptiness with? What will I choose to do with the time I have from hear on out? What is important and what isn’t? 

I am struggling financially,  I know once I get taxes I will catch the majority of it up. My son’s ex step mom moved and I have to drive an extra 10 min or so to pick him up or drop him off, every time I am driving there I get angry.  So stupid to be mad over something so small. I am all over the place in my head.

As I drive by I think about stopping, yet I won’t. These people that could have been, but I chose not to be apart of. I am so lonely. I deleted my dating profiles.  My coworker said I needed an appetizer till I am ready again, I don’t trust that I won’t get food poisoning.

Finding peace in this quit isn’t easy when there are so many voices. She cries for him often. And SB wants to play with crazy. I am numb.  Trying to find growth in all that surrounds me is painful. The only control I have is in doing nothing.  I want human touch. Skin thirsty is what a class mate called it.

I want someone to care. Care that I
exist. See me.

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