Struggling

Why is it that when I attract people. ..it’s intensely?
Why is it that they never understand, I am broken and want nothing. 
Why is it when people say they are there for you, they really aren’t?
Why is it I don’t want people around me, but feel so empty and alone, when I am alone?
Everyone is broken. Everyone has red flags. People are full of judgments that make them ugly. I want normal,  but have no idea what that is anymore. I want to be healthy but can’t seem to discipline myself enough to do anything about it. I keep waiting for something to change, I can’t seem to make myself make things change.
I am blindly stumbling through life.  Holding on to memories of the past. As though they’re weapons against a unwanted future .  Holding anyone new at a distance. I have really no interest in getting to know anyone.  I barely want anyone I already know close to me. I can trust a boring routine.  I just hate the silence that surrounds me when the night falls. When my head his the pillow and there is not one to hold me. My heart aches and my tears are unstoppable. No one that matters checks in with me to see how I am. Their all self absorbed and have their own problems and lives. Why would I matter,  I have nothing to give.  Why must I live? What is the point of all this pain. Looking at the world it’s a mess and it’s only getting worst. Why do people keep bringing more children into the world knowing how shitty it is?

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