Numb…or shock.

Alot has been happening in my life. I thought I was dealing with it all pretty well until yesterday.

My oldest had been hanging around and I was thankful.  Re-getting to know him in a sense.  Although I’ve found he is still quit himself.  It’s almost as though he has no understanding of cause and effect or consequences of his actions.  He has been fighting a case for about a year and still did the same shit that got him into trouble while he was fighting it. Well yesterday he was sentenced and token into custody. He will be spending a year in prison.  He is only 19. I am hopefully this will wake him up to real world life as no one will be there to protect him or for him to manipulate into getting what he wants. He says he plans to get his GED and learn a trade while he is there,  as that is why he took more time.

I have went back and forth on trusting his  paternal grandmother as I have conflicting feelings about her. BPD can really fuck with your head. I see her as all evil (the conductor of my son’s rejecting me)one min and all good (also a victim of my son’s BS) in another.  I want so badly to be close to someone it makes me miss her as my spiritual mother, at least she played the part as someone who cared about my ins and out’s of life. My parents barely send me a text.

I started geocaching this weekend and used that to distract myself with my youngest son last night. I didn’t tell him where his brother really went. Just he’d be gone for work for about a year. He is 9 and doesn’t need to know the details.  He really started getting into the treasure hunting last night. I think it will be fun for us to do these more. Keep us outside that’s for sure. I love leaving behind treasures for the next person.

I’ve been studying really hard for a test, for my piercing license in Oregon.  Much harder to get than the Washington one I currently have. I am studying anatomy and physiology. Like I am not a fucking doc but they expect me to be just as educated as one. I am trying everything to absorb this shit. YouTube videos on each topic, audio book and studying the text book. I talked with my psychologist and got put on a adhd/antidepressant just started today,  maybe it will help me focus.  I am hopefully although I just found out my insurance is going to make me find new mental health provider’s. This lead to my having a break down yesterday before my son’s court. Straw that broke the camels back.

I’ve started dieting and hiking again. I am hopeful about getting healthy and being pain free. I have noticed not drinking energy drinks has mad a huge  difference in my pain levels on a daily. I’ve also added a mattress to my bed. Lol doesn’t give me much head room as I am on a bunk bed but feels better in my back. I have cute out a lot of junk food and only slip up occasionally but I am headed in the right direction.  I just need to keep drinking huge amounts of water.

I still find myself for moments now, not hyper focused like before,  in paronoid thinking about what people are saying and what they think about me. But I bring myself around by stating sometimes out loud, why do I care? I don’t like them anyway. It’s none of my business. Yes, even if it’s about me. Just as my thoughts about them are none of their business.

And last but not least,  I’ve met someone.  Now I am not rushing anything and am quit reserved because I trust no one. But it’s a start. She loves exercising and eating right. Her and I seem to have a lot of common experiences and understand each other. We both do not want codependency in a relationship. So having a life outside of each other comes first. I am not rushing to share all my history with her or my emotions either.  I am keeping it all to myself. Although I do enjoy her telling me how into me she is. Feels nice to have someone so open and forward about how they feel about me. I. A healthy way, unlike crazy girl. Lol

Anyway I am gonna get back to studying,  felt good to get this all out…as I was feeling numb. 



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