I got maybe 3 1/2 hours sleep. Had to rush of to drop the kid, pick up Ma, get gas in the rental, take the rental back and get my car get gas and hit the road north.
I was tired. But already short fused. My body tingle all over like pins and needles. I couldn’t focus to plan out what I was doing. Not to mention my mother rambling. Not a moment to contemplate my next move. I was running on auto pilot. Everything seemed annoy me. Not because they were intolerable. Just because I was on a short fuse.
I patiently reminded myself many times. Don’t rune the day. She is enjoying the day, let her. Just let her talk. Just observe. Anyway I listened all the way there. ..2 hours and 20 min. I contributed very little the whole time. ..I’d say maybe 20 min total. No worries kept me from dwelling on my nerves about our visit we were headed to.
We got there and I was made to put a shirt with sleeves on. Good thing I had cloths meant for the good will in my trunk. No one fave directions on what to do. We asked other visitors.
We all ate, played a game and got pics taken. Most of the time visiting. We ran out of snack money and after about 5 1/2 we were all ready to part ways even though we could have visited another 2 & 1/2. I’d say all together it was a good visit. All though I am sure I was manipulated a bit.
I would say the first couple hours on the way home went the same as the drive and by this time I was extremely aggregated. Everything rubed me. From the small announced of topic of conversation to the excessive need to not only repeat myself but explain everything. As though I was starting fresh with a new person from the beginning.
Now I do deserve some praise because all my damn therapy this last few years has changed my response to this. Just putting that in there.
Anyway I tried for a minute to take the floor a few times, hear and there but would be almost without fail always be talked over at some point. I attempted to even talk about tender topics I wanted and needed to talk to someone with. And for fuck sakes if I should be able to talk to anyone it should be my Mom. Well at one point at the boiling point when in the past I’d fail and explode, I didn’t. Although I did try and hit but alas it went over her head.
I need someone to talk to. Run things by and work through what I am thinking. But is am just the listener now. Observing indefinitely. No connection allowed. Regardless, If it’s not allowed from internal or externally controlled forces.