20 Lime green lighters

I had a pretty good day. I stopped by the crazy store to check out prices on some large canvas and there was a sale for 50% off. At the check out my total was 41 at a half off. I was already pleased but then the gal at the check-out asked if I wanted to save more. Lol “of course” I stated. So she told me there was a coupon on their website for 20% off. So I paid 30 bucks for 80 dollars worth of canvas. Been looking forward to painting after work all day!
Schedule some tattoos for myself with a couple of my coworkers.  Looking forward to Permanente eyeliner with wings and my chest piece completely overhauled.  As well as having another coworker finish up my calve piece he has already added so much too. I have another artist at my other shop drawing up my sleeve.  I am beyond excited to be moving forward on my plans for my ink. 

I was busy today but not too busy. So I didn’t feel stressed. 

When I got home my I was excited.  I was going to paint. I brought my new canvases in and set them down. My plan was to smoke and put some containers into the dishwasher so I can fill them with all my protein bar ingredients.  
And then it all exploded in my face, all because there was no lighter in the drawer.  Now I am not sure why or when this happened to me, but since I can remember,  when ever left with a bowl in one hand and no lighter. A rage comes over me I have no control over. It’s as thought I decided the only boundary I would be sure to Stand Guard over would be this one. As ridiculous as it sounds.

I allowed one thing to destroy my evening.  And I am quite embarrassed of the tantrum I thought, with no witness I might add.  I threw a chair, destroying my things. I took a 2″x 2″x 3′ to a couple cabinets I have. As though my anger would magically conjure up a lighter. 

Worst part my son called me with some Shitty news and I gave him quit a tongue lashing, that I may add he needed some of but not at the tone in which given. 

At which my kid basically stabbed me in the heart with his rejection of my guidance. Telling me he sees me basically as his friend.

I am lost. Broken.

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