When I was younger I felt like my life boarded a huge scary Rollercoaster some where around 5th grade. Not that some crazy shit hadn’t already infiltrated my life. But emotional hadn’t hit hard yet. There were signs of trouble through out just not anything big enough to notice.
My mom took me to a doctor when I was a teenager expressing her concerns and suggested I could be bipolar. I got defensive and denied any meds.
I know for the next 20 years I rode a giant scary Rollercoaster of emotions. Going through some wild up’s and down’s that where caused by my perception of many different areas of my life.
To illustrate I went through a faze where I over annualized my relationship with different people in my life. Their intentions in being around me. What roll I thought they should play. If they were only tolerating me because they had to. I would over read into their body language and facial expressions and Always personalize my interpretation of it. Typically in a negative way.
Anyway I started crashing hard from my Rollercoaster’s extreme up’s and down’s in 2011. I had a pretty bad year and with everything I had to endure I lost the last of my sanity, if I ever really had it. I started seeking counciling more and actually got pointed in the right direction of what kind of help I needed.
Granted I had tried and an array of things including all kinds of meds and spiral direction that worked like a bandaid at times but ultimately failed. When the ball dropped, it surely shattered.
It’s when I accepted responsibility for my own happiness and self approval that I started taking productive action in changing what needed changing. Of course it didn’t happen over night. It actually took years. Not to imply there is an absolute end to the work that has to be done. Because we’re all growing and learning. When we can not only recognized it for ourselves but for others and ultimately forgive those, who like us are still struggling with things. Empathy for one’s self and those around us.
Empathy has played a hug part in my progress. Looking at the big picture and the story behind the emotional responses makes a huge impact in how I react.
So as for my Rollercoaster the hills seem to not peak as high or nearly as low. And I am OK with that…for now. It’s a bit of a kiddy ride but I feel as though life had settled into something I understand and can endure.
Now to keeping it realistic once I start a new relationship I know I will be learning. Learning how to have healthy boundaries. I have had a bit of practice over the last year, putting up my wall and saying no this isn’t going where I want. Before I just rode it out. Now I walk away. I am learning how to say, with tact and empathy, not interested. Sometimes chemistry isn’t there. And that is ok. We can be friends, what’s wrong with that. I quit trying to make it work with whom ever was in front of me and put value on what I wanted.
So in conclusion I feel like I am doing alright, not that I don’t still ride a Rollercoaster but that I am a little more in the front seat than the back now. Enjoying the view and turning to another path when needed. Practice makes perfect. Growth happens when you want it to and grab the reigns.