Am I strong?

I’ve been doing great. Work is slow but bills are paid. House is in order and I am painting some good pieces. 

My dating life is picking up and I have enjoyed getting to know some great ladies. Although I can’t seem to pull the trigger at all. I haven’t even attempted to hold hands.   I seem to always be rolling around in my mind if  I should or not. Guess I am afraid. 

I had a trip planned this month. I was a bit excited about it but it’s been cancelled and my feelings are a bit hurt over the reasons why. Nothing I can really do and honestly it’s for the better.  With work being slow the checks are a bit smaller and it will free up what would have been spent on it and I’ll be working those days so I will be making money instead of losing money.

I got into a bit of a heated argument with a coworker because I questioned him on his customer leaving without paying and never doing his paperwork.  Then he brought up me calling him out on Bullshit before that and he called me ignorant for apologizing to the customers. 

I held my own in this argument but when it was said and done. I went to the restroom to breathe.  I hadn’t realized it but being called ignorant struck a nerve. I broke down for a moment and cleaned myself up and went back to work. 
My father used to call my brother and I ignorant all the time when I was a kid. (Which is fucked up because if I was ignorant, it was his fault for not teaching me.) Anyway so apparently I’ve unserfaced a trigger. 

I’ve been maintaining,  working on myself and taking care of business. But I am not sure if it’s all a front. Am I really about ready to have break down. Is everyone about to see the real me.  Is this just a moment in my life when I need to breathe.  

I need physical contact,  someone to hold me. Help me to feel secure.  Yet I will let no one get close enough to do so. Typically when a lady starts showing stronger intereste I start over thinking shit.  

It seems I’ve finally found comfort in being alone but still desire being held.  I am contradicting myself, I know. 


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