Shallow or waiting for chemistry 

The darkness creeps in. Slowly everything becomes to much to handle. I burst into tears over things that aren’t really things to cry over. Things become overwhelming, more than I feel capable of managing.  I start turning my focus to my boy’s and feel a deep desire to connect with them.
The Rollercoaster seems to be built from emotions mostly connected to relationships of a romantic nature.  When I am feeling good about my dating life, I am on a high I can’t bear to loose.  And when I feel like it’s going poorly, I am in despair. 

As you know I have been trying to date.  Found a prospective partner. No real Red flags.  We have hung out a handful of times. Non of which had any non platonic physical contact. 

I enjoy our conversations and love the vibes while in her presence. Yet I don’t feel the chemistry.  I think being ok with that and telling her that, is ok.  What needs to be done. But the idea of hurting her is what keeps me  from saying it. All the while she is liking me more and more.  

So the turmoil of figuring out if I was just a Douce or not has been bring all the symptoms back from the last disaster of my life. 

I feel like a fucking victim all over again.  Constantly giving myself over as sacrifice in order to save someone else from the emotions I think they will suffer. 

So why the Douce complex, I’ll tell you why. Get a load of this one.  Obviously if you follow my blog you know I am bisexual.  All the fucking guys I openly dated through my life, I had no fucking standard. None, you name it. I was forgiving, understanding, empathetic and sympathetic.  And I am not just talking about personality traits,  physically I never felt they had be of a certain grade or quality. 

Now maybe it had to do with having a pretty low self esteem or low self worth.  I haven’t thought on it enough to figure out. But what gets me is I have a higher standard for ladies.

  Now I wouldn’t say that all of the ladies I’ve dated are perfect.  And I can tell you that I had good reason for not going forward in a relationship with them. But I couldn’t deny that a few had physical qualities that just didn’t do it for me as well.
So does that make me shallow?  

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