All my thoughts seem to echo anymore. Blurring together, as one thought over lapse another. New one always progressively getting louder so it is prominent.
Ping ponging from one topic to another. Today the pain is felt through the core of my being. The domino’s fell one by one. Starting so small to the last large one. Simple things really. Which in turn became the old ones. Almost as though they were always there looming.
Let me be a little more specific. I am sure you wish I wouldn’t be vague. Well it maybe a long one. I maybe able to shorten it….we’ll see. Anyway let’s get to it.
As I stated before I saw a lady for awhile. I really liked her but felt no chemistry. I tried to force myself to get into her but couldn’t. I stressed telling her and when I did it wasn’t that bad. She said she already knew. Although she wanted clarity this morning and I tried my best to explain that I just didn’t find chemistry like she had. But honestly I do hope we stay friends. I can totally see us being pals.
I realise a week ago I had my practical test again today. I began experiencing anxiety a bit. Not passing meant I was letting my boss down. I couldn’t bear the thought of that.
Also in order to take this test it would mean haveing to stay at a friend’s house. Which in turn meant having my ability to hold my newly learned boundaries tested again.
My roommate lost his job and his knee Jerk reaction was to tell me he’d move out by today. I explained he was paid tell the end of the month. And being a giver told him I could float him awhile. There are lost of jobs. I am hopefully he’ll find something.
My youngest boy’s birthday is coming. I have most everything ready to go for his Saturday party. …problem he just got suspended for an angry out lash. It’s so frustrating to still be dealing with his angry out burst. He should be way past this but isn’t. I find myself wanting to blame his father. But the truth is I am sure we both contributed to it. The fact of the matter is, we just need to fix it. Only way is to demonstrate it to him.
My oldest is in prison. Not for much longer. But he wants visits constantly and always wanting financial support. I love that we are getting somewhat closer. But the stress of helping and finding time to make the drive there and back is overbearing sometimes.
I work 6 days a week and almost always have plans for everyday. If it isn’t working it’s filled in with appointments of all kinds. Seems it’s been months since a day wasn’t scheduled with something. Matter of fact I believe the only days I get with nothing to do is when someone flakes out on me. I am currently learning to Love those days. Now they are welcomed rest & rejuvenated days, emotional and physical.
So, domino’s fall one by one. These all tumble and then the old ones come. An old familiar script. The ones about the deepest pain. Anxiety and self-loathing. The ugly affirmations roll on through.
Failure boomed through my ears this morning as it sunk in that I had once again failed my practical. My friends wife, who was my model, tried to console me. The old script that I had forgotten came like a skipping record. “I should quit.”” I am a failure.” “I fail at everything.” “I am a horrible mother.” “My boss has waisted his time on me.” “I am a terrible partner.” “I want to give up.”
I shuffled myself to work and dreaded the conversation the was pending my arrival. My boss new when he saw my face, I can’t hide my emotions at all. He was actually encouraging. But I still felt Shitty about it.
As the day progressed my mind has been in over drive. Dredging so deep. Striking nerves from many areas of my life. But one echos the loudest.
His wife cheated on him with his best friend. He knows the pain. The hurt that causes. He knows the lie that steals your soul. He’s felt the warmth of love leave his heart and turn to burned ash.
Has he pondered the pain he has caused? Does he look back and have regret? Is it only in those weak moments of self loathing that he does feel? Does he fully grasp the devastation in his wake? And would he be ok if it was done to his children as he has done to many?
I can’t for the life of me figure out why this one keeps echoing. Why can’t I change the record. Let go. Move on. It doesn’t matter. It’s over. I survived. Yet when I hurt deeply. This one old wound bleeds.
I have many offenders. Big and small. I am my worst one. I never learned boundaries and so I never learned to say no. Or enough is enough. I always learned to self blame. Must have been something I did. “If I had just not kept spending the night at Christina’s house, her father wouldn’t have kept touching me” Just like trumps victim’s I just never said anything. I didn’t want to make waves so if a man kissed me, I went with it. Wither I was really into him or not. I am learning how to say no, slowly but surely.
I think my friend is learning I can say no now. They “mostly him” have been pushing for a three some. I have reinforced my no many times. Last night I only had to turn down an invite to sleep in there bed just for a cuddle. I declined with I have found most can’t cuddle with out grouping. And I am not ok with it. So I’ve learned to just not cuddle. Which is pretty damn true. I have been alone for over a year. I haven’t had sex in a year this month. I stay to myself.
So where does that leave me now? The domino’s have fallen. I know they are there. I will leave them laying there for now. But I also know, this is just a bump in my Rollercoaster. I am gonna work my way through this. One day at a time. The echo will be replaced with another.
I maybe alone, but I can still hear the echos of my pain. And that really just means I am a survivor.