Now that I have my place to myself, I come home and watch tv or paint. I enjoy the peace. The knowledge that everything is clean and put where it belongs. No questions about a mystery mess or missing items. Windows and doors are all locked and secure. I know I am the only one here and I feel safe.
It’s been a very long time since I’ve spent so much time Alone. Completely alone. Granted I go to work everyday. Go visit with friends and may even have a friend or two crash after hanging out. But I am not intimate with anyone. I am completely self sustained. Physically, emotionally & financially.
I know I’ve rediscovered who I am. Yeah I can be pretty boring sometimes. But I know I have great friends who enjoy being around me. I am confident in that because my company is requested often. If people didn’t enjoy hanging out with me, surly they wouldn’t request my company multiple times. After reading some codependency books I learned to stop assuming they all had alternative motivates.
People often comment on my genuine empathy, My authentic personality and my ability to put them at ease. I suppose it’s all because I truly love being around people, and not just because I hate being alone. I often related it to being sexual assulted or taken advantage of so often. But after this last year I am learning that isn’t it at all. It may have been a huge part of it for a while after my rape but I have always loved being around others.
I have challenged myself in asking the important questions that seem to be coming up. And I can admit that I don’t have the answers and I don’t have to know right now. It’s about the journey. I have settled on just enjoying it as it comes, and discovering the answers in dew time.
I love my job. And enjoy the company of all my co-workers for different reasons. And maybe we all don’t agree on everything or like the same thing but we get along well enough. I’d even say a bit like family does. We may bump heads but we can move on after.
I know there is room to grow there and there isn’t any pressure to do it at anyone else’s pace but my own. And that is teaching me to be self disciplined.
So yeah life is good, peaceful. I won’t deny that adding anyone new is scary. And I have like 5 “five” dating apps on my phone. I look at them multiple times a day. Most days only checking for messages. But I seem to be unwilling to reach out or “work ” for a relationship. Work, just being messages, like mentally engaged messages. More self discipline lessons I guess. If you want something, you have to go get it. Can’t talk about the destination and never prepare for the journey .
Well here’s to discovering the answers on the journey. I don’t have to know exactly what the destination looks like. I’ll know when I am enjoying it.