Not in crisis, calmly processing 

If I were talking about everything that has been going on in my head, I’d have a lot to say. If I felt I could say all the things I have been struggling with I would have already. But I haven’t and I am guessing you might know why. But if you don’t have a clue that’s ok. I just have to say it. I have to process it or I will be stuck forever. 

There are people in my life that I love. Some of them I see often and some I don’t see at all. I have people who desire my attention more than I can give. And others I wish they would give me more. But the wish only comes with the sting of the loneliness that sometimes reminds me of what once was. 

I once had a love that was mine for 4 years. Granted we were young and it was very rocky it was just as passionate as it was volcanic. I finally ended it when I chose to better myself,  when in the end  it was only to abandon myself completely to try and fit a box.  

I slept with a girl in our apartment after a fight we’d had about the passion my partner was witnessing.  On valentine’s day if I am not mistaken.  I will never forget how she smelled and how she tasted. And the look on my partners face when coming back to either make up or take things, I’ll never know. 

Many moons later I am embarrassed I have hurt people.  I have been selfish.  My thirst for physical touch keeps me hurting others. I let people get to attached when I am incapable of a balanced relationship. 

I keep thinking at some point I will find an equal.  Someone I not only feel less than or more than, but equal.  Balanced conversations and understanding of what is desired for the future. Yet I can’t find her. 

I don’t know if I am even trying hard enough or if I have been hurt so bad I am incapable of commitment let along a sexual relationship anymore. I am so scared of getting hurt and selfish with my time. I’d rather spend it with my friends than invest in someone who won’t be around forever.  Maybe the time being wasted is my own. I mean if I will be alone forever if I don’t settle on someone. 

Dark passengers always lurking. Wanting back in. Why must you hunt me emo girls best friend? Preying on the weak little girl. The girl no longer aloud a voice. Tell me, speak with your voice what you intend because I know you come to destroy the little pieces left behind. Have you brought back with you the pieces you’ve taken? Nikita says your unwelcome and she has plans for your souls demise. What’s left of it.

A romance brewing. Small meet ups and warm embraces. Heartfelt conversations, indepth sharing. Bearing souls and being real. I know your awake. Taking every bit of the time you have with me. I know you are genuine when you say you love me. I know when cuddle for a movie or just to sleep at night you want more. I don’t know if you’re trying to break me down or wait it out. I don’t know what you’re thinking but I know your heart is swelling.  I try and warn you but my warnings go unheard. I selfishly let you hold me out of need for someone to hold me. I pretend we are cuddle buddies and there is no harm in that but I see the harm brewing. Sometimes I think about kissing you. Not because I want you like that, but because I want to remember what kissing feels like. I don’t because I don’t want to hurt my friend.  I let you hold me, kiss my forehead while I pretend to be asleep because I know you need it too.  I hope you can forgive me. 

I am drawing again.  Thanks to my new friends mom’s.  God I love her family.  I sure needed them when they came into my life.  I am looking forward to getting them all small present to show how much I love them being in my life. My heart is full when I look around at all my friends.  

My oldest is out of prison and seems like he is doing well. My youngest misses him but had no idea why he can’t see him. I just can bear to tell him. I just avoid the topic because I don’t want to lie to him.

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