Once in awhile you get a glimps, a look into the bigger picture.
Today my oldest called me, I heard his lady in the background. In my minds eye I saw the bigger picture of who they are together. I am happy for him. Things are going well considering the last year. He is newly in love and full of hope for the future.
I had to cancel my plans for tonight because I have been sick and planned a full day of recuperation for myself. I knew if I didn’t I wouldn’t make it through tomorrow, although I am still unsure.
I got to get to know a girl via text today that has been consuming my thoughts for the last couple weeks. I can not wait to meet her finaly…soon, I hope.
My cholo text me asking what I was doing 2 days in a row.I told him both days I was dying. He stayed away but I know he wanted to come over. I love him, but not as he wishes I would. I give him nothing but a body to lie next to occasionally. He is my homie, kind a best friend but he drains me. Constantly having to break his heart and ward off his advances. He always pulls away when I remind him I have boundaries. He goes away and comes as he pleases. I feel bad and know if only I would put an end to allowing him to even cuddle would end his torture, but I am selfish. I know I can safely get what I need from him with out worrying I will get forced to do more. I know he won’t pressure me. It isn’t fair of me to do that. I am only hurting him.
I layed around all day today. I ate randomly and watched tv. Occasionally stretching Charlie horses out of ky body from laying around all day. I watched the clock & checked my phone constantly. I saw through the window into my past. What I saw was codependency and expectations unmet. I felt alone and weak. I felt the reminded of what I would never allow to happen again.
I was crazy before and I have grown and learned from the past. I am moving on and looking forward to goals and dreams. I want LOVE. I want a women. Soft skin and loving eyes. I want bubbly excited adventures with laughter and silliness.
If you want to be around for that, if you want to be a friend. You can’t say you will and then not even send a message. I won’t wait by the phone for you anymore. I may have been sick, but you could have kept me company like you said you would. I refuse to get back on the Rollercoaster for you. You will have to get off to be in my life.
And quit begging me to pull teeth to find out what is inside of you that needs to be said. I utilized all my energy with that before and got nowhere. Just say it already. You know I won’t judge you, I will understand and help you. But I won’t, I refuse to beg you anymore to let me help you. Just say it. I saw through the window today. I saw a past I don’t want to repeat.