Dreaming of another time

I maybe drawing a blank now but I’ve had a lot to say lately. I just haven’t written it. I am ok just unclear as to what I truly want. 

I mean I knew before.  I knew I wanted my apartment to myself. No more roommates and my kid has his own room. I knew I wanted to be a tattoo artist and now I am a piercer. Lol soon to be a tattoo artist as well. 

When I made all the changes in my life to be happy I came out as well. As Bisexual.  I didn’t feel the need to sit everyone down and tell them. I felt like they should have already known. 

I have been hurt and wounded for over a year now. By a man who I’ve loved to the point of mental anguish.  Who I chose over just having a girlfriend.  I still want a girlfriend.  I mean all my life I only have had fligs with ladies and extended dating. And then there was him.

After we split up I went back to being out and proud, but wounded. I started dating like I always had but couldn’t commit. Then it turned into this terrible pattern of finding reasons I couldn’t commit with each new lady I met. 

I read a lot of self help books about codependency and learned to be by myself. But I also focused on my career. I feel like everything has finaly worked itself out. But I am still single.

And here I am with a new lady of interest and loved hangout with her. No red flags. Yet I am nit picking her and have someone else on my mind.

 I feel like it’s 2 years ago all over again.  How am I supposed to move on and be happy when I have someone else in my ear calling me baby and hun. How am I supposed to want too? 

In my heart I feel things could be different if we had another go. Not that this person is offering. But I feel as though it’d be my choice if I did want to.  Seems the easy way to go. As far as a relationship. But how difficult would it be to tell all my friends and family that the person who hurt me deeply is the person I can’t seem to let go. As if they all don’t already know I haven’t moved on.

My mind says just a little bit more than I feel capable of managing. I mean the pleasure and comfort over reality is mind boggling. I am literally choosing to stand still over moving forward out of fear of a repeat or a loss I am not sure I could handle again. I know this can’t go on for ever. I have a choice to make or it will be made for me. 

I told my friend the other night, whom just got broken up with, that she could look at it like a fresh start. Slates clean, all those old fights are gone when you start with a new lady. I also told her LOVE is temporary.  Just enjoy the season. She didn’t necessarily agree with me. She still believes in love. 

I guess I am jaded.  At one point the world was my oyster and I ate freely. Now I am afraid I will get food poisoning so I refuse to eat. And I am now starving to death while the oysters lay around me prepared to be eaten. 

I have choices. A few if I am being honest. Yet I stand still hoping to just have one more moment, because I am not sure I could handle a commitment. 

What is stopping me? 

Fear of being hurt…I am already playing with fire.  Fear of judgment…..they already know. Fear of the unknown….basically the same anyway.  

I hate learning new people.  I have a stoners brain and adhd on top of it. I hate telling my stores all over agian like they want to know. Relationships are hard especially new ones.  Meeting all their people and doing things they like to do. It’s all part of dating right. 

I remember it use to be fun and exciting.  Refreshing you might say. I don’t think I can do it with someone else on my mind whispering baby in my ear. It maybe an echo but it’s on my mind and that seems to be all I want.

I want to go back and have your scent on my pillows and you warmth wrapped around me. Your hands holding my face while you kiss me. All my heart wants is what I had. But my mind says more than I feel capable of managing.

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