In a moment of solace

I ask for a fight, a fight for what is desired. And again I see no fight. I am laughing at myself because there is no fight because desires can be different and I have come to realize everything I once believed is wrong. My perspective is different and so there is no desire to fight for.

I have been putting people on pedestals all my life. That really is just a part of being BPD but as I get older I am more aware of how my brain works. And it’s short comings are illuminated. No one deserves a pedestal. We’re all flawed terribly. And being BPD people are usually all good or all bad. I hyper focus on what I like or worship or what I hate or despise. Time to come down off that pedestal I’ve built for you.  You were never worthy of it.

I tell all because I assume everyone knows as though I am a star on the Truman show.  Or everyone is talking amongst their selves as though I am worthy of there mind space. 

I have a bit of a paranoid mind. I believe people test me to see how I’ll react. Or if something is missing, I assume someone stole from me. If vibes are off at work I immediately think I am getting fired or I did something wrong. I am constantly thing everyone hates me and are only putting up with me because they have to until I am eliminated. Until someone better comes along. 

All I want is someone to love me. Someone I am not paranoid with. Someone I can be myself with. And someone who will talk to me. Help me to understand how they think about things. I want security and loyalty. I want love. I want comfort. I shouldn’t have to fight for that. I shouldn’t have to beg for it. Is it so wrong for me to want someone to be into me enough to be open about it? 

I just want a normal life again. Where I have a life outside of work. Where I have people outside of work to talk to, on a deeper level. I have things I can’t share with anyone, anyone who is willing to fight for me.

My heart only has one key. I just want to love fully again. 

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