Ok if I am being honest…

Honest with myself. I know my heart belongs to him. No lie. I may want and desire a girlfriend. Like A Lot. But I can’t imagine it ever being what we had. 

I mean minus the Bullshit we both put each other through.  I may have chosen her in that moment but I felt put on the spot.  But I thought of him the whole night. I stopped seeing other people after that night.

He may have not committed to me all while leading me to believe he was. All while justifying his behavior to himself over his own heartache. 

I know I have a paranoid mind so maybe I just fabricated all the other things I have tallied up on him. And quit possibly I still fall into these patterns. 

Obviously I’ve talked of my gaurded secret but really we all know it’s him. I have no idea how it came about but we spoke of our love and I couldn’t stop myself from telling him repeatedly that night. I cried on his should after we made love. And I won’t deny it was because I was so over come with happiness that he was there. And love that I feel while with him. And sadness at how complicated things have become. I am angry at how everything has been so messed up and feels so unrepaieriable. Yet is it really.  

Are our minds our own barriers? Who is to stop me? Who is to speak ill of my choices and why do they have bearing on the life I choose for myself.  It’s my journey right? But it isn’t mine alone. 

If I am being honest with myself,  I am not ready…not ready to not have him in my life. Yet I threatened to run when he was simply being honest about his possibilities. I threatened to run when I felt like I was becoming weak for him. I always run. And I know I keep saying it’s because he has the key, but honestly I refuse to take it back.


3 thoughts on “Ok if I am being honest…

  1. I’m no longer positive the place you are getting your info, but good topic. I must spend a while learning more or understanding more. Thanks for great information I used to be in search of this information for my mission.


  2. Thank you for another excellent post. Where else may just anybody get that kind of information in such an ideal manner of writing? I’ve a presentation next week, and I’m at the search for such information.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s