Honest with myself. I know my heart belongs to him. No lie. I may want and desire a girlfriend. Like A Lot. But I can’t imagine it ever being what we had.
I mean minus the Bullshit we both put each other through. I may have chosen her in that moment but I felt put on the spot. But I thought of him the whole night. I stopped seeing other people after that night.
He may have not committed to me all while leading me to believe he was. All while justifying his behavior to himself over his own heartache.
I know I have a paranoid mind so maybe I just fabricated all the other things I have tallied up on him. And quit possibly I still fall into these patterns.
Obviously I’ve talked of my gaurded secret but really we all know it’s him. I have no idea how it came about but we spoke of our love and I couldn’t stop myself from telling him repeatedly that night. I cried on his should after we made love. And I won’t deny it was because I was so over come with happiness that he was there. And love that I feel while with him. And sadness at how complicated things have become. I am angry at how everything has been so messed up and feels so unrepaieriable. Yet is it really.
Are our minds our own barriers? Who is to stop me? Who is to speak ill of my choices and why do they have bearing on the life I choose for myself. It’s my journey right? But it isn’t mine alone.
If I am being honest with myself, I am not ready…not ready to not have him in my life. Yet I threatened to run when he was simply being honest about his possibilities. I threatened to run when I felt like I was becoming weak for him. I always run. And I know I keep saying it’s because he has the key, but honestly I refuse to take it back.