Game of chess

I’ve never been a great chess player. With all the moves you have to plan, strategies to win the game, I don’t think like that. I rarely think very far ahead. And when I do I never add much detail. Just the over all goal of winning. 

First you chose which side you’re about to play on. Then you plan your first move and depending on if you move or the other side moves first you plan accordingly. 

I am the kind of player who likes to go second.  I want to watch and see what my best options are. Then position myself where I foresee the best outcome. 

Now I don’t know chess admittedly not even good at it,  mediocre if that. But I know some games are better if you make the first move. 

I think that my strategy is failing me. I have ran my life following my perspective on others opinions. One idle after another, who really probably didn’t give a shit about all the little  things I chose not live honestly about just to avoid my fear of judgment. 

Funny thing is I typically did a lot of shit I got judgment for anyway. And occasionally I would do so loudly. Every once in awhile the lioness comes out an roars. And when she does, the earth shift and the world around me changes. 

She is coming,  I feel her. Like the queen of a chess game. She has her sights dialed in. The earth is going to move. Really I have no choice. I just hope all who surround her, stand behind her choice. 

Honestly I keep pushing these thoughts and feelings down and Nikita is doing her best to fight it off. But I know what is coming. And I don’t want to fight it anymore.  I don’t care what anyone thinks or how anyone feels. It’s my life and I believe in second chances.  Maybe this will be the end of me,  maybe it will destroy me again. But if I have a choice, I want another chance. 


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