A record plays over and over in my head when Emo girl comes around.
“I AM NOT OK.”
I have to shut her down. But I can feel her, all over me. She crawls on my skin and whispers in my ear.
I tell her to go away, she has no grounds here. I have good things in my life. I have sold friends. Who listen to my woes and give me advice I need. I have an amazing career. I have a home and wonderful kids who I have great relationships with. From the outside all looks idel.
Yet I feel heavy and the record is playing our old songs. “What’s the point of all this?” “I am so lonely.” “I just want to go to sleep.”
I feel like a machine. I go through all the motions and try to ignore all the emotions. Day in and day out just doing the bare minimum of what has to be done. Choosing not to go deeper. Just scratching the surface like a robot. One task after another. Just don’t think about it, it will pass.
The harmony had been broken and the arguing has commenced. I will admit it isn’t loud or overwhelming but it’s there. I can’t ignore it. I am divided once more.
Why do I have to have very different desires within me. Why can’t I be at peace with who I am and what I want in life. When do I get to experience peace. Does it in fact exist for anyone.
I have grown. The world doesn’t revolve around me and I now know everyone has their own Bullshit. But does anyone experience peace? I know maybe for a moment in the embrace of a loved one or a monent but long term peace? Do we finally come to a place that life doesn’t always have some area afflicted with tribulation?
I want to be numb. I’ve seen movies where people take some serum so they don’t experience emotion, could I have that? Is that what I want? I think it would take me off the Rollercoaster forever. Then it would just be a carousel. Going round and round and I could just keep going through the motions without emotion.