I keep looking around for someone to catch me. No one will. I won’t let anyone. There isn’t anyone close enough to me that would know how bad it is. No one would notice if I was gone except that i wasn’t there for my obligations.
Funny how I watched myself reboard the rollercoaster and didn’t stop myself and now that I am here; I want off again. But this time, I really want off.
I have friends I would never say I didn’t. But they come and go. When I stop saying yes, they fade away for awhile. A lot of them have been around a long time. I even told them about my tendencies to play with fire and how I knew it wasn’t good for me. They tried to help but they knew I would do it anyway and so did I.
Funny how quickly it all played out, I can say I got my key back. Not so interested in that key holder anymore. But honestly I can’t find anyone I would trust with it. I see people now. No filters, inside and out. They are all disgusting and despicable. Even when I look at myself, the ugliness is the same. People are inarguably repulsive.
I walk through my day feeling alone, while surrounded by people. I feel like a vampire seeking darkness. I put on my smile and pretend all is fine while I am shrinking away inside. I want to hide away but I am forced to walk amongst them.
I am back to fantasizing an end. I beg the universe to send one my way. Why must I be plagued with this misery strew throughout my life. What have I done to deserve this curse? What is the point of all this suffering? I can’t have just one thing I am good at? One person who loves me purely? One story with a happy ending? Something….I just need something.