Just go with it…

So saying anything about anything never changes it. The only control I have is my perspective.  How I allow myself to perceive the things around me. 

Obviously I have tried lots of other things and all it does is bring more negativity to my life.  It hasn’t changed event or habits of others or others at all. Just how they perceive me. Which singles me out as negative.  

I have single handedly painted myself into a lonely world. I have very few friends with deep connections.  Family is scarcely involved in my life.  Seems only when they have to due to holidays and things do I see or hear from most all people. 

I had a close friend from way back in high school times tell me today I wasn’t gay because I don’t hate men and I am not ok with a masculine man. Oh and I am not masculine enough.  He explained I am just open minded sexually and have a big sex drive.  Wow, thought I knew myself but guess he knows me better.  

I know all I want is a girlfriend. I want to start a life with someone. Someone who cares to ask me how my day went.  Some one to share my free time with.   Yet I struggle with commitment because I know love is temporary and the pain when it ends is to much and never heals. 

Really I just want, need something to change. And fast. Something to make me feel. Feel alive.

The sun may be peeking through the clouds,  spring may be bringing blooming flowers, but I still feel the chill of winters air and see the dark clouds surrounding us.

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