In my head…

Being borderline personality disorder really does suck. I have highs and lows like a bi-polor person but my ups and downs come fast and leave slow. I get angry quickly and some time loose control of my reaction to what I am perceiving. Sometimes when I calm down I relies how wrong I am but other times I do not. I feel as though I am angry all the time lately. 

I was talking with a friend about how people cancel on me for appointments today. And she gave me an ear full I probably needed. She processed to tell me how I do not value myself, my time or my art enough. And that others wouldn’t value me if didn’t.  

I am not sure if it’s value or just wanting to be nice. Generous or understanding. I want to be kind to people. This makes me wonder if I am over compensating for my childish out burst. Or just wanting people to like me too.
Honestly I am surprised anyone allows me a job or time in their life. I feel people are to nice to me and I don’t deserve the generosity and kindness they give me. 


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