In this moment in time.

In this very moment in time….I don’t have anything I have to do. Nothing is urgent and I can sit here and listen to the hum of the electricity running the lights and mini fridge in the hall at my work.

My son is at school. It’s picture day. He wanted spikes in his hair and we failed to accomplish the spikes so we washed it out and arrived 15 min late to school. I wanted to talk with his councillor but she wasn’t there so I messaged her.

My son and his dad are close and my son likes it when he tickles him but when he tells me about it I get super uncomfortable.  (I was molested as a kid) so I am not sure I am reading things into it or not. But my son has been telling me about it a lot lately and says he does it when they are “snuggling” and he does it until he “pees” indicating he is messing with his belly button and under his armpits.  

I also have to move temporarily due to a leak in the wall between the bathroom and kitchen. Thankfully my mom and brother are staying with me for awhile and have packed everything and I have kids coming to move it tomorrow. 

My brother and his wife….they are currently trying to get clean while trying to get their feet back under them.  We just started talking again after 3 years of not talking. He moved in and ahe is at her families place. My neice comes over occasionally.  I am not naive and see signs of use when my brother gets around his wife. I am not blaming her, just think maybe they are weak around eachother. I just want them to do well. 

My brother talked me into a phone on my account so he can drive for lyft with my car after her pays his ticket off and gets his licence back. (This is me over extending myself to help people as usual) 

Also I am a huge germaphobe and have called my brother out several times for picking his nose, leaving pick dust all over the counter in the bathroom (he picks at one spot on his chin, saying there is hair follicle in there that hurt and get to long. Basically in grown hair) and he won’t wash his hands after using the restroom.  

My brother eats a hug amount of garbage food and fills my cupboard and fridge with all this boxed cancerous foods and now my kid is eating it. 

I try to talk to my mom about all my stressors and she always takes over the conversation and forgets what i was saying.  Telling me one story after another about people in her life I don’t even know. I wonder if she knows that much about my life. Last night I was trying to talk to her about what my son said and she started going over what she remembers about when I was molested.  And her story was so wrong I got upset and walked away.  How can she have changed it so much over these years when we have talked about it before? It was a completely different story I have no idea how she could think she was even slightly right.
The lady I am totally into is in a mental state I am all to familiar with. Say the same as i was about 4 years ago. Very unstable and not ready for a relationship.  Although she is better at not telling everything to everyone.  I use to just tell everything to everyone.  I am really into her so I am being patient and trying to help her through ut since I know some of the strategies to coping with the stress. Although you wouldn’t know it by the looks of me today. 

I have to talk with my boss today about a time line. I know I am not tattoo customers at one location I work at ever, although he hasn’t said it I am sure of it. So at the other location I have that opportunity coming up in march. I want to make a smooth transition for everyone so I need to make my plans clear and be sure he has no plans for me here. 

My friend who is my amazing soul sister.  She lost her grandma and I need to be here for her and I miss her so much. She has been in Idaho for what seems like months and I haven’t got to talk to her about all my stuff because she needs me more. I get all the stress she has and I want to let her lean on me so much. I can’t wait to see her Monday  and to lean back when I can.

So my ex is single again and we are talking and the temptation is always high when he is around. I always want one last  rendezvous…I know it’s a bad idea but we connect so much in so many areas. But I am conflicted on the morals related to this lady I so dearly like. If we are not official is it immoral to sleep with others? 

I haven’t been taking my meds. I haven’t been doing yoga or eatting right. My back hurts all the time again and I have gotten fater than I was before I was doing all those things and got skinny. 

I am always a screaming monster in the morning. I need to get things back on the easy train. 


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