Battling within, over the future blood and tear soaked battlefield.

If I where to talk about it would it make it real? When you speak something aloud, does it give it power? Sometimes I find it hard to talk about things that scare me, or feel bigger than me.

I haven’t focused on this one truth enough to process the emotions that it brings. Small peice, I can handle. But throw a big chunk at me, you catch me by surprise and I will visibly be throw back and have to recalibrate my response.

See…..I am still struggling to say it. 😦

My love has spinal stenosis and is having surgery on Tuesday. The prognosis is at some point in the future he will be wheelchair bound. Time will only tell how long he will have full mobility. But If he doesn’t take it easy he will minimize the time he has.

He is a man that does what he sets out to do. He likes keeping himself busy and pleasing his loved ones and to help where he can. And he prefers to work alone for the most part. Easier to do, than to explain is my guess but whatever. Problem is he won’t take it easy and he won’t slow down.

So basically he is driven by doing for others. Pleasing his loved ones, with no thought of himself. It kills him to disappoint anyone or hurt them in anyway. Yet he isn’t looking to the future. He doesn’t see the emotional turmoil he will have when he can’t anymore. This, this one thing is what I am struggling with. The pain in his eyes when he can’t is going to kill me. How can I help him through that?

It’s going to be hard. Our future, everything will take an extra effort. And I am all in. I know what is in store. Maybe more than I want to admit. I just wish I could slow him down so we all get more time with him while he CAN do all the things he wants to.

I just struggle with the images of my love dealing emotionally with the inability to do all the things he puts his mind too. I think I feel useless now when he won’t let me step in and help with more of the heavy lifting. I know it will be much worse down the road. I just hope I have acquired more skills in that department.


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