Love, Love.

I don’t know love. I was built to protect not to love.

Love, our drug.

Love is pain.

Love is our purpose and our demise.

Blind love will have us uproot our stability and leave us with whiplash.

Love is temporary.

Once your guard is down and you settle into a place were you want to rest in the love you’ve allowed to surround you, insecurities creep in and try and steal your peace.

There’re no brakes on this train I’ve boarded. I have put everyone I care about on it with me. I just hope this train doesn’t change the destination it’s previously planned for us.

I once floated amongst the stars only connected to the two I share my love with, now I am floating amongst the deep dark ocean floors blindly feeling my way back to them.

My thirst for their touch is unappeased. I hold one, only to feel the other’s covetousness. The onus is attenuating.

I want nothing more than peace. I want love.

Sometimes I feel lost in here. Sometimes I feel as though I am begging with my eyes, come get me. Between all the snarky remarks I am unable to stifle, I am only able to push out an absurd, “Sorry, I am a Ass/Cunt/Dick!” comment as an apology. Not nearly enough to mend a wound full of salty one liners.

Temporary. Please don’t be another temporary. I love them so very much. I have to be stronger. I can be. I have been. This is easy compared to history. Time will smooth all these awkward parts down and normalize our lives. ….then what? Will we be bored…naw we gonna have lots of shit keeping us busy.

My girl said only 2 chickens 1 goat and a dog….sure babe, whatever you want. I want to travel the world with her. I want to see her put all these dreams into motion. I want to see her laugh, I want to watch how age changes her, softens her. I want to see her succeed in all she sets us out to do. I want to see how happy these things will make her. I want her to be able to walk away from our bed, without any doubt, about her presence being wanted there. I want her to be satisfied and not upset, that we will have more love, to be had on another day. I want to know I’ve filled her cup and that there’s no hole in it.

My man, his inherent intuitive mind catches me everytime. It may make me uneasy now but there is something to be said about being called on a change of command. I too have flaws and sometimes lose control of my mouth. I hate talking about it, but the reality of it is, it is what IS now. Anyway, the understanding that a simple hug, hold, hug can, in a big way help me within. The hugs he gives me are extra tight and meant to drop my defenses. Sometimes I know he is struggling to help me, yet I have no control and start to feel claustrophobic and feel my body prepping to push away. I fight it as hard as I can and usually succeed in staying buried in his arms wait for the moment I am allowed to rest in his love once more.

I struggle with all this…the echos of old records beginning their old songs of told you so’s. All the songs of yesterday’s defenses. Will I ever have a new record to listen to? One of peace and love stories with happy endings. I long for rest. I long for peace. I yearn for a place they call heaven. A place were people love and are loved. A place were there is no hate or death. I feel the pull in my heart, I feel an end to this horrible world would make way for a beautiful one. One filled with peace. For now, I will watch how this one keeps unraveling and hope to catch a thread of hope.

My hope. My thread is attached to my lovers and I. We have plans and they lead to our future. I am gonna tie a knot and hang on. Got all my eggs in this basket. I don’t have any chickens anymore so these better produce some fruit. Or all will be spoiled.

I love, love. Love is my drug.

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