From what perspective would you prefer my writing to be from? It’s always a conversation. Me talking to you or the world. Or me telling you about them. What keeps me from verbalizing when I am in one narrative over the other? Is it I don’t have a voice? No, I speak. Sometimes over another.
Can we talk about this? What is it in me that doesn’t want to. What keeps me from acknowledging a truth? Doubt? Probable.
Can we say something? I know there was an address directly to my center. Felt a bit like the curtain being pulled and the man once known as Oz is revealed. Do I freeze like a deer in headlights or acknowledge with a nod in recognition. Do I allow a giggle from the uneasiness releasing all the tension?
Can I bring something up? Oh please no, I can’t verbalize these things. It’s bad enough being a therapist nightmare. This is all just made up, in my head right? Just a way of segregation. A protection persà.
I try and balance…wise mind. Logical verses emotions. Balance.
Why is it when my attention is turned to one lover I feel the tension between my other and I. As though …naw I can’t walk that path. Dead end here.
Am I mean…what is it from? Why do I find humor is hurtful things one min and feel like the biggest piece of shit about it after? Why is it allowed to fall out of my mouth so smoothly with out any regard of how it affects the room. Maybe I learned if from my dad. He did have a morbid, sexist sense of humor. …I don’t know how she could love such a crude soul. She says I have a pure heart. Not this part of me babe. Although I am trying to change it by calling myself out on it. I know it doesn’t take the sting away.
When I am in your sights, I am unable to focus. I have no idea whether I should be protecting myself and my love or following your lead. I loose sight of my leading my love while your trying to lead me. It feels weird. Do I want to do this to them or is it what you want? Don’t twist this to I don’t want a conductor, cause I don’t. I want a teammate. I want you to enjoy watching but my minds got you involved and when you switch things up, I have to reset. I want you involved. I want my lovers involved. Everytime. Regardless if it’s 2 or 3, makes no difference in my mind they equal the same because I am fantasizing of the other being with us anyway.
Lol giggles sexy sexy.
Omg. I have a tattoo.