Not for you.

When my body says no but my mind is screaming please. You see it in my eyes. Please hold me. Please talk to me. Let me know what I need to know. Or watch me fade away.

When my mind is pushing me so hard but my heart has an anchor I can’t lift and Sails I can’t deflate. I couldn’t drive away. I made a promise.

Have the invitations went out yet? Are these red flags? Just kinks that can be worked through? How do I know the difference?

Just kinks to work out. It just feels like the same kinks over and over. Emo girl says same shit different people. Am I the common denominator?

Just a pretty face to look at. I couldn’t possibly drill a hole in the cabinet myself? Finish work. Lol just another girl telling him what to do or not to.

Think about who your addressing before you say what you’re going to say. Please don’t send me back to the ice cold bottom where love never shines. I am afraid this is my last chance at it. I don’t want to grow old bitter and alone.

Is it really what is happening or are you just feeling that way? Perspective in how many different narratives? If #emogirl has red glasses on everything is shit. If little girl has green glasses on and you say go hold her, she feel like your pushing her away. If Super bitch is wearing black glasses she doesn’t need help seeing the beauty in her girl and she knows what to do with her. Nikita wears blue glasses and she is ready to jump all the time, locked and loaded using emogirls steam as ammo. Anyway anyway, you get it right? Which perspective are you seeing this from? Can you see it from all perspectives before reacting?

I don’t want to feel guilty.

Let me love her my way.

Emo girl is stronger than Nikita and super bitch. She has told you so’s for days. She is hysterically laughing as this all falls apart. Shut up, shut up, shut up .SHUT UP. Is all I have left to fight with. Quit giving her ammo. She is destroying me with it.

You promised, you promised you’re different. You can’t be different with me and be that guy to my Girl. How do I balance that?

I can’t be the wedge. I won’t be. If there is no you two there is no us two or any us three. That’s the only way the conductor will allow this.

All or nothing, I am LITERALLY putting my life on the line with this relationship. It has too work or I will hit the floor.

Have you read back, far back? Do you know what that looks like? Are you prepared for what could be? Could you use it to see the path you could take too? Will you understand me better if you knew? If you actually understood what the words that are written actually mean? Do you know the weight of the words I’ve said are? Have you pondered it enough? Pulled it apart and looked deeper? These aren’t empty words. They’re tangible. They have flavor on my tongue, a smell in my nose. I have shovel a lot of shit, my own and I had to pick it apart and worked it till I was ok. Till I could deal. I can’t roll all the dice and hope I don’t loose all my chips.

I need you to know what I am saying. Look me in the eye after you understand the gravity of what we are betting on and tell me you’re willing to bet on it. When you know what all the chips are that are in the pot. You ok with loosing that. That stability you have right now? Those little personalities being shaped by our actions?


One thought on “Not for you.

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