Understanding 100٪

She sees you, I see her and you see me. Somehow this is our balance. We “get” each other.

The understanding of each other’s way of processing things is invaluable. It is amazing that the more we talk about the hard stuff the stronger we feel. It takes weight of our shoulders, expels any fears and puts butterflies back in our stomachs. We’re made for each other.

That moment we held each other’s gaze. That one where we knew each other, knew intent behind the words, and you exclaimed, “That’s just us, babe.” My heart was warmed and it comforted me. Our light hearted banter connects us in a fun way. As long as neither of us are off, lol.

When we all sit together and we’re laughing and hanging all over each other, I am comforted with images of us as old people together doing the same. I can see it. Can you? Feels right. All of us, together, for always.

Our life we are creating, I want it. All the vacations and all the holidays, I want it all. I am greety but it’s for US; More of us, please. The good the bad and the ugly too.

I am grateful for my life. At one point I didn’t want it. I couldn’t go on. I had no hope , no what for. I couldn’t see anything to live for. But in choosing to make changes and work on being happy, I chose this life. I chose to believe I could find happiness if I changed the things that didn’t help me live happy.

It’s been a long road, mostly documented here in this blog. All the things I had to mentally adjust to be in the spot I am now. To maybe make it slightly easier to have relationships with people in my life in a healthy balanced fashion.

Started with little things, like taking responsibility for stupid shit I do. Like putting shit in a safe spot and forgetting where said safe spot is or that I even put it there And immediately thinking someone stole it or moved it purposeful to upset me. Lol like why the fuck do I think someone spent energy on that for me?

I made goals and set out after them. I have achieved some and am working on others. I have persevered all the negative dialogue that attempted to hold me down. I have made new goals and am always striving to achieve them.

Changing the topics I hyper focused on was an important step to change how I interacted with people daily. Most of it was a codependency that had me feeling like everyone hated me and wanted nothing to do with me, but in reality it was my reaction to what I thought they felt, that made them pull away. So in essence I was the one creating the drama that surrounded me every day.

I am not perfect by any means, and mental health is always a work in progress thing, it’s easy to slip back into patterns. Checking in with yourself and evaluating your narrative can be helpful in crisis. It’s hard to catch yourself and make the adjustments but if you make a habit of it, it can be remedied with time.

I am grateful we will all be using counciling to help us learn to balance things better. We will all be each other’s support system. Holding each other accountable and learning to laugh about it. I love what we are creating. Our kids are going to possibly make it out without being broken like our childhoods did for us.

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